I Made Millions on a Hospital with a 0% Cure Rate - Two Point Hospital

Storyline / setup

Josh (Let’s Game It Out) plays Two Point Hospital in sandbox mode and intentionally builds a hospital designed to harm rather than heal. The run is a deliberately chaotic, comedic playthrough featuring long queues, patients vomiting and slipping, privacy violations, and even deaths/ghosts.

Hospital name: “enter sick never leave”

Key setup details:

• Hires restricted to unqualified medical students.
• Expanded into the neighborhood (including ruining a basketball court) to maximize space.
• The playthrough emphasizes absurdity and cruelty for comedy: long DMV-like queues, windows into bathrooms and therapy rooms, and frequent patient distress.

Gameplay highlights and design choices

Reception and patient flow

• Reception intentionally arranged so patients take the longest, worst possible route:
  • Check-in computers placed centrally, creating long queues and minimal seating.
  • Boomboxes, display skeletons, and candy/drink machines used as distractions.
• Built GP/consult rooms long and awkward to prolong wait times and annoy patients.

Cruel department layouts

• Created multiple departments (General Diagnosis, Pharmacy, Psychiatry, Cardiology) but with malicious layouts:
  • Windows into bathrooms and therapy rooms for comedic privacy invasion.
  • Cardiology treadmill set to unbearable heat to induce nausea and cause deaths.
• Training/classroom used because only medical students could be hired; classrooms were set up suboptimally on purpose.

Staff and notable events

• Hired a janitor named Grace who is argumentative but extremely effective at cleanup; she becomes central later.
• Events included staff resignation warnings, visits from the Health Minister and CEO (both vomited), and patient deaths with ghosts roaming the hospital.

Strategy and monetization tactics

Overall approach

• Exploit sandbox freedom and game systems to maximize income while minimizing actual healing.
• Focus on low payroll, high throughput, and exploiting prestige/marketing mechanics.

Key tactics

• Hire only the cheapest staff (medical students) and minimal essential staff: few front-desk assistants, one janitor, and many low-qualified doctors.
• Create lots of cheap GP/diagnostic rooms and copy them extensively (Josh made 28 GP rooms in a second run) to process massive patient volumes.
• Overcharge patients by raising treatment fees to increase revenue per visit.
• Inflate hospital prestige by placing expensive-looking equipment in unused rooms, then disable those rooms so they don’t actually treat patients but still boost perceived level.
• Use marketing campaigns to draw in more patients despite a terrible reputation.
• Run a very lean team: many doctors, zero nurses, few assistants, one janitor—low payroll but high throughput.

Practical setup steps demonstrated

1. Reset to a “clean slate” hospital when the initial chaotic build wasn’t profitable.
2. Build a compact, fortified reception (a “pillbox” layout) with fountains and visual prestige items.
3. Create a no-frills GP/consult room template and copy it repeatedly.
4. Hire just enough front-desk staff so queues form (ensuring continued patient arrivals).
5. Place hidden prestige equipment in empty rooms and disable them to avoid staffing costs.
6. Continuously raise prices once patient volume is stable.

Outcomes and metrics

Final results shown in the playthrough:

• Reputation: near zero
• Cure rate: 0%
• Hospital value: approximately 31 million
• Staff composition: ~22 doctors, 0 nurses, 9 assistants, 1 janitor (Grace)
• Profitability: Highly profitable despite zero cures, demonstrating the exploitative strategy

Final comedic beat:

• Josh fires all other doctors and makes Grace the sole doctor, leaving her to handle a massive backlog (around 180+ waiting patients) indefinitely.

Source

• Josh — Let’s Game It Out (video creator / player)