Summary of "Ask a Therapist- How Long Should I Date Before Getting Married?"
Ask a Therapist: How long should I date before getting married?
Main point
There is no fixed timeline that guarantees a lasting marriage. Focus on doing the process well: build knowledge, trust, and reliability before committing and before becoming physically intimate.
Actionable frameworks, tips, and strategies
Know → Trust → Rely → Commit → Touch
Follow this order and keep its limits in mind.
Guiding rule: don’t be physically involved more than your level of commitment; don’t commit more than you can rely on; don’t rely more than you trust; don’t trust more than you know.
- Progress through stages deliberately rather than skipping steps.
- Avoid escalating commitment or physical intimacy until you have evidence of the prior steps.
The 3 Ts for really getting to know someone
- Talk: honest, vulnerable conversations; reveal your authentic self rather than a crafted persona.
- Togetherness: spend shared time in the same physical space to observe everyday behavior and context.
- Time: allow enough duration for walls to come down. Research and experience suggest a minimum of about 90 days (3 months) for someone to begin showing their real patterns.
Practical timeline guideline
- Bare minimum to begin to know someone: ~90 days (3 months).
- Suggested conservative guideline before engagement: consider waiting 4–5 months (varies by relationship).
- Caveat: deceptive people may take much longer to reveal themselves; some rare couples marry faster and succeed, but that is riskier.
Physical intimacy
- Research does not require waiting until marriage to have sex, but recommends waiting until a healthy, committed relationship is established.
- Early physical involvement can increase the likelihood of feeling (or convincing yourself of) love before a solid foundation exists.
Trust vs. image
- People often “trust” an internal image of who someone is based on limited evidence. Continually compare that image to observable evidence and update your beliefs.
- Ask yourself: do I love the person I actually see, or the person I’ve imagined?
FACES checklist (Dr. John Van Epp)
Use this to evaluate partner fit:
- Family background: how they learned affection, conflict resolution, and relationship patterns.
- Attitudes/actions of conscience: integrity and moral behavior.
- Compatibility potential: functional fit (not sameness).
- Examples of past relationships: accountability and growth versus blame.
- Skills (communication): conflict resolution, giving/receiving affection, overall communication ability.
Rely vs. commit
- Rely: the expectation someone will meet needs and follow through.
- Commit: the degree of exclusivity and investment.
- Don’t escalate commitment until you’ve observed reliable follow-through.
Self-care and boundary reminders
- Be authentic; don’t present a false self to “win” someone.
- Notice red flags and avoid rationalizing them away to fit a desired outcome.
- Take the time you need to protect your emotional wellbeing; make decisions based on evidence, not hope.
Suggested reflection questions
- Are my expectations of this person based on evidence or an imagined ideal?
- Has this person shown consistent behavior across time, situations, and with family/friends?
- Do I feel safe relying on them to meet important needs? Have they followed through on commitments?
Presenters / sources
- Jonathan Decker (host, Ask the Therapist / Mended Light)
- Dr. John Van Epp — author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk
- Mended Light community (video/channel)
Category
Wellness and Self-Improvement
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