Summary of "How to get over an ex: the two best strategies"

Brief overview

The video presents two evidence-based ways to get over an ex: exposure (flooding) and extinction (no-contact). Both aim to reach emotional neutrality toward the person but use opposite approaches. The presenter favors extinction plus a CBT “block-and-replace” technique to accelerate recovery.

Key strategies and concrete steps

1. Exposure (flooding)

What it is: Repeatedly expose yourself to the stimulus (photos, reminders) until it loses emotional power.
How it works: Intense, concentrated repetition causes the emotional response to extinguish (a method used in behavioral therapy for phobias).
Pros: Can work quickly.
Cons: Very uncomfortable while it’s happening; not suitable for everyone.
Success marker: You can look at pictures of your ex (or evidence they’ve moved on) and feel nothing.

2. Extinction / No contact (recommended)

What it is: Completely eliminate both behavioral and cognitive contact with the person.
Behavioral no-contact examples:
- No calls, texts, messages, letters.
- Do not visit their places or reach out through mutuals to get updates.
Cognitive no-contact examples:
- No social-media stalking, no re-viewing old photos.
- No replaying memories or fantasizing.
Important: The no-contact strategy must be complete. Partial relapse creates intermittent reinforcement and can prolong or worsen the emotional pull.

3. Block-and-replace (CBT practical tool to support extinction)

Core technique:
1. Block the intrusive thought—firmly refuse to ruminate.
2. Replace it with a specific alternative thought or memory.
Concrete exercise:
- With pen and paper, write a detailed list of the person’s flaws, negative behaviors, and specific examples (to counter idealization).
- Take a photo of that list and keep it on your phone and/or in your wallet.
- When idealizing memories arise, stop the thought and deliberately recall items from the list. Spend a few minutes reflecting on them until emotions shift.
Rationale: Balances a one-sided, romanticized view by integrating both the idealized and shadow aspects of the relationship.

Practical cautions and advice

Don’t half-do no-contact: relapsing (checking/social-stalking) risks creating a compulsive pattern.
The “don’t think about it” paradox: actively suppressing thoughts tends to bring them up; that’s why block-and-replace is needed.
You don’t have to keep the negative-list forever—use it temporarily until emotions integrate.
Avoid spending money on “get your ex back” programs or coaches that prey on desperation.
Consider supportive communities, therapy, or coaching for accountability and grief processing.