Summary of Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family

In the video titled "Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family," Dr. Stuart Ablon discusses transformative approaches to understanding and managing challenging behaviors in relationships. The core philosophy is that "people do well if they can," emphasizing that behavior is often a reflection of skill deficits rather than a lack of motivation. Here are the key wellness strategies, self-care techniques, and productivity tips highlighted in the discussion:

Key Strategies and Techniques:

Understanding Behavior:
- Shift the mindset from "people do well if they want to" to "people do well if they can." This reframing helps to understand that if someone is struggling, it may be due to underlying issues rather than a lack of desire to improve.
Building Helping Relationships:
- The effectiveness of helping someone change behavior is significantly influenced by the quality of the helping relationship, characterized by Empathy, understanding, and non-judgmental acceptance.
Skill Development:
- Challenging behaviors can often be traced back to deficits in five core skill areas:
  - Language and Communication Skills: The ability to express feelings and needs effectively.
  - Attention and Working Memory Skills: The capacity to focus and juggle multiple thoughts or tasks.
  - Emotion and Self-Regulation Skills: Managing emotions and impulses.
  - Cognitive Flexibility: The ability to adapt thinking and behavior in response to new information or changing circumstances.
  - Social Thinking Skills: Skills necessary for effective social interactions, including Empathy and understanding social cues.

Practical Approaches:

Three Plans for Problem Solving:
- Plan A: Imposing your will or using rewards and consequences to motivate behavior change. This often leads to conflict and does not build skills.
- Plan B: Collaborating to solve problems together, which helps build a helping relationship and develop necessary skills.
- Plan C: Dropping the expectation temporarily to reduce conflict, allowing for a strategic pause in the issue at hand.
Empathy as a Foundation:
- Start conversations by focusing on Empathy—understanding the other person's perspective and concerns before sharing your own. This involves:
  - Asking clarifying questions.
  - Using reflective listening to show understanding.
  - Providing reassurance that you are there to listen and not to impose solutions immediately.
Regulate, Relate, Reason:
- A framework for engaging with others: first, regulate emotions (calm the person), then relate by sharing concerns, and finally, reason together to find solutions.

Conclusion:

Dr. Ablon's insights provide a roadmap for improving relationships and managing challenging behaviors through understanding, Empathy, and Skill Development. By focusing on collaboration rather than control, individuals can foster healthier interactions and promote positive change.

Presenters/Sources:

Dr. Stuart Ablon, Psychologist and Founder of Think Kids
Mel Robbins, Host of the Mel Robbins Podcast

Notable Quotes

— 00:11 — « What we've learned over the years is there's only really one reliable predictor of helping somebody to change their behavior. »

— 00:40 — « If that person could do well, they would do well, and if they're not, something else is getting in their way. »

— 08:22 — « If you give a dog a name, eventually they'll answer to it. »

— 08:26 — « People do well if they can. »

— 81:58 — « Speak life, speak love, speak bravery, kindness, and hope. »