The Divorce Expert: 86% Of People Who Divorce Remarry! Why Sex Is Causing Divorces!

Summary

Divorce lawyer James Sexton discusses why marriages break down, how couples can address problems earlier, and why he sees love as valuable partly because it is temporary. He cites an estimated 56% chance that a marriage will end in divorce and says 86% of divorced people remarry within five years—figures presented in the interview.

Main Relationship Insights and Advice

Understand the commitment

Marriage is a significant legal commitment, not just a ceremony. Sexton says many people marry without understanding the financial and legal rights and obligations involved. He encourages couples to ask what problem marriage is meant to solve for them rather than assuming it is the next step.

Discuss a prenuptial agreement

A prenup can establish rules for assets, debts, and support if a marriage ends. Sexton describes a simple “yours, mine, and ours” approach, while emphasizing that couples should also discuss how they will handle money during the marriage.

• Treat the conversation as planning for a possibility, not predicting that the marriage will fail.
• Agreeing on expectations in advance can prevent uncertainty and conflict later.
• Avoid signing under pressure. Giving up a prenup request because a partner threatens not to marry may be a poor start.

Don’t rely on a fidelity clause

Sexton says clauses that financially punish infidelity can be difficult to define and may offer little deterrence. Betrayal can take different forms, including sexual and emotional affairs.

Talk about changes in sex and intimacy

Sexton says sex is important in many romantic relationships, and a decline can be a warning sign. It may be either a cause or a consequence of other problems. He describes couples falling into a cycle of resentment, reduced kindness, and less sex.

• Talk about what has changed without assuming a partner’s motives.
• Compare the relationship with its own earlier patterns rather than an imagined standard for how often couples “should” have sex.
• Raise concerns while the relationship is still on good terms instead of waiting for a crisis.

Practice preventative maintenance

Sexton recommends small, regular acts of attention and honest communication:

• Leave a brief affectionate note or offer specific appreciation.
• Make time to talk about what is working and what feels different.
• Raise concerns directly and promptly, but with care. His “hit send now” idea is to share an important concern while it is still manageable, rather than letting it grow into a larger grievance.
• Listen without immediately becoming defensive, and agree on how to handle disagreements before one is underway.
• Maintain individual interests and identity alongside family responsibilities.

Avoid unrealistic comparisons

Sexton warns that social media can make relationships look happier or wealthier than they are. He also cautions against comparing a real partner with an idealized partner from films, fantasies, or curated online posts.

See relationships as chapters

A relationship can have been meaningful and successful for a period even if it ends. Sexton rejects the idea that there is necessarily only one “soulmate” and suggests people can learn from relationships that do not last.

Be candid about money

Sexton says money often represents security, power, control, and identity—not merely spending. Divorce involves assets net of liabilities, so debts and financial arrangements matter as much as what a couple appears to own. Attempts to conceal or transfer assets can also be examined in legal proceedings.

Accept vulnerability

Sexton reflects on the inevitability of loss and argues that awareness of impermanence can encourage people to value their partners, children, friends, and pets while they are present. He describes love as worth the risk of eventual grief.

Other Points Raised

• In Sexton’s experience, both men and women have affairs. He resists reducing divorce to infidelity alone, since relationship problems often develop over time.
• He generalizes from his legal practice that men more often complain about the quantity of sex, while women more often want better-quality sex. He presents this as an observation, not a universal rule.
• Some couples tolerate affairs or have unconventional arrangements, but Sexton notes that his work gives him a biased view: he mainly encounters relationships that have reached a crisis.
• He describes cases involving severe domestic violence and clients who died by suicide, illustrating the extreme distress that can accompany relationship breakdown.

Notable Names and References

• Speakers: James Sexton, divorce lawyer and author; Steven Bartlett, host of The Diary of a CEO
• Locations: New York City, including Chelsea; Las Vegas
• Books and products: Sexton’s How to Stay in Love; the podcast’s Conversation Cards; LinkedIn Ads, discussed in a sponsor segment