Verbally Abusive Relationships - Patricia Evans

Summary

Host Amy Waterman interviews communication specialist and author Patricia Evans about verbal abuse in relationships. Evans describes verbal abuse as a pattern that can include name-calling, put-downs, and claims about what a partner thinks, feels, or intends. For example, someone might insist their partner is “trying to start a fight” when they raise a concern.

Evans says people on the receiving end may blame themselves and try to change their behavior. She argues that a partner’s hurtful or controlling behavior does not prove the other person caused it. Evans also offers her interpretation of why some abusers react strongly to a partner’s independence: they may have learned to suppress their feelings and expect their partner to think and want as they do. This is Evans’s interpretation, not a clinical assessment of any particular person.

Evans cautions that couples counseling can be unhelpful when abuse is involved, particularly if it treats the situation as equally shared responsibility. She recounts cases in which participants said counseling made things worse; the interview does not establish that this is true of all couples counseling.

Strategies and Ideas Discussed

• Notice patterns of verbal abuse: Pay attention to repeated insults, put-downs, or claims that someone else knows your thoughts and motives better than you do.
• Trust your own perspective: A partner cannot know what you think or want without asking. Evans emphasizes that each person is entitled to their own thoughts and individuality.
• Set clear boundaries: Understanding the behavior can help people establish boundaries and avoid accepting treatment that hurts them.
• Seek informed support: Evans recommends consulting resources or professionals familiar with verbal abuse. People considering couples counseling should consider whether the counselor recognizes abuse rather than automatically assigning equal blame.
• If a partner is trying to change: Evans describes a demanding process involving separation, substantial reading, individual therapy, and gradually scheduled conversations to practice respectful communication. She says sustained improvement—not brief signs of change—would matter, and estimates the process could take six months to a year.
• Protect children with clear, non-insulting language: Evans suggests stating household expectations such as, “This is a safe home; we don’t call people names here,” or “We talk nicely.” The aim is to set a boundary without labeling a parent as bad in front of the child.
• Consider documentation carefully: Evans mentions recording conversations or using a body camera, while noting that recording laws differ by location. Check local law and consider safety before recording or confronting someone.
• Use caution with interventions: Evans proposes involving other people and sharing an intervention message with the abusive partner. Because confrontation can carry risks, anyone considering this should prioritize safety and seek informed support.

Presenters and Sources

• Amy Waterman — Host and interviewer, Your Brilliance.
• Patricia Evans — Guest; author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?, and Controlling People; creator of verbalabuse.com.
• Websites mentioned: verbalabuse.com and YourBrilliance.org/abuse.