Julgus lahutada | Triin Kahre, Dagmar Ainsoo

Key wellness & relationship/self-care strategies discussed

• Learn to recognize when a relationship is no longer meeting needs

  • Over time, relationships can begin to take more than they give.
  • Common warning signs include sustained experiences of:
    • feeling unvalued
    • not respected
    • not accepted
  • This often contributes to emotional distance and defensive patterns, such as:
    • withdrawal
    • irritability
    • accusations
    • overworking

• Use the “needs → feelings → behavior” model to understand what’s happening

  • Roots = unmet needs
  • Trunk = feelings
  • Canopy = visible behavior
  • Practical takeaway: if you can’t clearly name your needs or feelings yet, focus first on building self-understanding.

• Have honest, self-focused conversations (not mind-reading or blame cycles)

  • Partners must explicitly communicate their needs and feelings—hoping the other person will “just understand” isn’t reliable.
  • Aim the conversation at relationship needs, not primarily accusatory statements about the other person.

• Don’t assume change is automatic—give a structured time window

  • If you’ve expressed your needs maturely and nothing changes, it may be time to reassess sustainability.
  • Suggested approach:
    • Create intentional change effort for 6–9 months
    • You do your part (be the partner you would want), regardless of the other person’s actions
    • After the window, if the relationship remains unchanged and no effort appears, consider separation/divorce as a real option

• Understand relationship “developmental stages” (to reduce panic/anxiety)

  • Relationships often move through phases:
    • Falling in love: mostly positives, differences seem smaller (~1.5–2 years)
    • Differences become more visible, requiring learning, boundaries, expressing desires, and coping together
  • Conflict/discomfort in this stage isn’t necessarily proof the relationship is “wrong”—it can be normal growth.

• Recognize why people stay in unhealthy relationships

  • It’s not only love; staying can be driven by:
    • security and habits (family, children)
    • identity formed around the relationship
    • fear of being alone
    • hope the partner will change
  • Children don’t benefit from constant parental conflict or emotional coldness; they need safety and warmth.

• Treat separation/divorce as an emotional process (grief is real)

  • Emotional breakup can take months to years, and can be long-term traumatizing depending on who initiated it.
  • Common internal experience:
    • anger often has pain underneath
    • grief can include mourning the shared future/dreams
  • Key warning: unresolved pain can show up in parenting and burden children with adult emotional responsibility.

• How to tell you’ve worked through enough (for healthier co-parenting)

  • Indicators include:
    • anger is less reactive
    • you can feel feelings without letting them control behavior
    • you can engage in friendly co-parent cooperation (e.g., joint activities, birthday support)
  • Goal: your children shouldn’t have to manage your emotional world.

• Use “triggers” skillfully

  • It’s okay to be triggered.
  • The key is to:
    • notice the trigger
    • choose what you do with it
    • avoid reactive behaviors (e.g., impulsive messages, triangulating children)

• Reframe “healing” expectations

  • Healing isn’t a straight line toward “perfect calm.”
  • Growth may look like:
    • noticing patterns
    • responding with self-kindness
    • having choices instead of automatic reactions
    • expecting waves/relapses and learning to ride them

• Make decisions about a new relationship based on readiness and intent (not a calendar)

  • There’s no fixed “correct time.”
  • What matters is:
    • what you’ve worked through
    • whether you’re partnering to fill a void (rehabilitation) versus to build something new
  • Practical test: ask whether you can choose partners with new criteria after your self-work.

• Avoid the “new person will fix everything” trap

  • Don’t outsource relationship success to the next partner.
  • Take responsibility for your part, even if it was unequal.
  • Relationship difficulties can be normal developmental crises that still require learning—not proof you chose the “wrong” person.

• Repairing or ending togetherness: set realistic expectations

  • Friendly closeness isn’t something you must perform immediately for appearances (e.g., “happy family” can’t/shouldn’t be forced).
  • Focus on finding a place where you feel okay as yourself—especially as a parent.

• Bottom-line self-care and support

  • External help can be crucial:
    • therapy/psychologists offer confirmation and help prevent isolation/stagnation
  • For those staying in difficult moments:
    • treat the moment as teaching you what your relationship challenge is
    • relationships require effort (like tending a flower: water, feed, prune)

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Presenters / sources

• Sandra Sillamaa (podcast host)
• Tagmar Rainso (clinical psychologist, podcast co-host)
• Triin Kahre (guest; family therapist and psychologist)
• Podcast: “Let me into the tiger room” (created in collaboration with Estonian woman)