Love and Impermanence with Matthew McKay

Summary

Guest host Emmy Vadnais speaks with psychologist and author Matthew McKay about grief, love, and living with impermanence. After his son Jordan was murdered, McKay says he sought ways to communicate with him and learned channeling from Ralph Metzner. McKay describes this communication as a source of comfort and guidance, and says it led him to explore how people can keep loving through loss and pain. His accounts of the afterlife are presented as personal spiritual experiences and beliefs.

Key Ideas and Practices

• Treat love as something you do. McKay describes love not just as a feeling but as action: paying attention, caring, communicating, and responding to what a relationship needs.
• Practice four elements of love:
  • Caring: Make the other person’s well-being matter.
  • Knowing: Keep learning about the person instead of relying on assumptions or projections.
  • Compassion: Notice their pain and want to support them.
  • Intention: Turn care into concrete behavior.
• Use a morning intention. McKay leads a brief breath meditation: notice the breath, gently return to it when the mind wanders, then set the intention: “Today, at the moment of choice, I am love.” He defines moments of choice as situations involving strong emotion, desire, or pain, when those feelings may shape how we act.
• Notice judgment and practice nonjudgment. When love feels blocked, check your internal monologue for negative labels about yourself or someone else. McKay distinguishes:
  • Discernment: Noticing how something affects you and choosing accordingly.
  • Judgment: Labeling someone or something as morally good or bad, which he says can create distance and division.
• Try a nonjudgmental mindfulness exercise. Start with the breath, then observe—without trying to change or condemn—the sensations in your body, your thoughts, the outside world through your senses, and your emotions. If a judgment arises, notice it and return to observing.
• Build self-compassion. McKay suggests acknowledging your own pain rather than avoiding it, wishing yourself well (for example, “May I be peaceful, safe, healthy, happy, and free of suffering”), and including care for yourself in your daily intention.
• Allow painful emotions to pass. He describes emotions as waves that rise and recede. Trying to suppress sadness, fear, shame, or grief can intensify distress; allowing the feeling—including tears—to be present may help it move through.
• Turn toward people after hurt or disappointment. Instead of withdrawing or judging, try to understand what the other person is experiencing, ask what they need, and offer care or compassion. McKay notes that this does not mean every relationship must continue.
• Use curiosity to strengthen relationships. Questions such as “How was your day?”, “What was difficult?”, or “What would help right now?” can help you understand and support someone.
• Let impermanence deepen appreciation. McKay says recognizing that circumstances and physical life change can make present moments and relationships feel more precious, encouraging gratitude and fuller engagement.

McKay also describes a channeling exercise for people interested in communicating with deceased loved ones: use an object associated with the person and a candle as a focus, settle your attention with a breath meditation, visualize a connection, write down a question, and record whatever responses come to mind without immediately judging them. He recommends keeping a written record. This is presented as his approach and experience, not as an established therapeutic method.

Presenters and Sources

• Emmy Vadnais — Guest host and interviewer
• Matthew McKay — Guest; psychologist and author
• Jeffrey Mishlove — Regular host of New Thinking Allowed, mentioned in the introduction
• Jordan — McKay’s son, whose messages McKay discusses
• Ralph Metzner — McKay’s teacher in channeling
• Ram Dass — Referenced by Vadnais in connection with the phrase “I am loving awareness” and the book Be Love Now