how to VALIDATE YOURSELF | stop seeking external validation, grow your self worth and level up!

Summary

Tam Kaur argues that relying on other people’s approval can weaken self-worth and keep you in an exhausting cycle. Praise, attention, or likes may feel good briefly, but they cannot provide lasting confidence. The video encourages viewers to build a more positive self-image and learn to support and validate themselves.

Key ideas and strategies

• Notice where you seek approval. The video identifies five common areas: romantic attention, social media, popularity or community, family acceptance, and academic or career achievement.
• Bring your public and private selves closer together. Rather than hiding your personality or changing yourself to seem more agreeable, practice showing up more authentically.
• Recognize possible roots without blaming yourself. Tam suggests that a lack of support or acceptance while growing up can contribute to approval-seeking. The past may help explain the pattern, but she emphasizes taking steps to care for yourself now.
• Reduce dependence on romantic validation.
  • Put your own worth ahead of whether someone is attracted to you.
  • Explore your attachment patterns and, if helpful, work on them through reading, courses, or therapy.
  • Consider taking a break from dating or flirting and using that time for hobbies, friendships, community, and personal goals.
• Spend time alone and stop people-pleasing. Regularly enjoying your own company can help you discover what you like and make choices that reflect your needs, rather than trying to earn acceptance.
• Apply standards to friendships as well as dating. Think carefully about who gets your time, energy, and care. Set boundaries; the video says people who respect you should respect those boundaries.
• Keep others’ opinions in perspective. People may judge or criticize, but their attention usually moves on. Rejection and changing relationships are part of life and do not determine your value.
• Invest in your own life. Put energy into meaningful goals, hobbies, work, or communities. Building a life you enjoy can reduce rumination about what others think.
• Strengthen your self-image (“self-schema”).
  • Write down qualities, actions, and achievements you appreciate about yourself.
  • List negative beliefs and question whether they are accurate.
  • Try small experiments—such as different clothes, hairstyles, or photos—to see yourself from a fresh perspective, rather than letting insecurity dictate how you present yourself.
  • Treat yourself as you are today, not as an outdated version shaped by past mistakes or embarrassing memories.
• Validate your emotions before seeking reassurance.
  • When something upsets you, pause before immediately calling someone. Seeking support is okay, but first try to make space for your own feelings.
  • Journal or record a private voice or video note to express what happened and clarify what you feel.
  • Ask what you would hope a caring friend would say, then offer yourself those words—for example: “Your feelings make sense,” “You’re allowed to be upset,” and “I’m here with you.”
  • If self-compassion feels difficult, imagine how you would respond to a friend, or view yourself with the gentleness you would offer your younger self.

Presenter/source: Tam Kaur. No other external sources are identified in the subtitles.