am i asexual or is there just something wrong with me

Summary of Key Themes & Self-Care/Productivity Takeaways

• Bravery + privacy boundaries: She hesitates to post personal content (including sexual/intimacy struggles) because of stigma, but decides it’s still worth sharing because “everybody” struggles with something.

• Reframing “orientation” questions: She considers whether she’s asexual vs. low sex drive, and suggests desire can fluctuate based on context—such as thoughts about unavailable people and hormonal timing around her period.

• Identifying anxiety patterns around intimacy:

  • In past hookups, she describes feeling like she had to “get through it” (possibly FOMO rather than genuine desire).
  • During college, she describes a strong fear/anxiety response, including using excuses to escape at the last minute.

• Practical mental health self-management with substances:

  • When she used sativa edibles at night, she became paranoid and spiraled into harsh self-criticism.
  • She reduced/stopped edibles and reports:
    • improved mental stability
    • weight loss (which she links to reduced late-night overeating/munchies)

• Seeking medical/sexual health explanations (not blame): She describes possible vaginismus-like symptoms (involuntary muscle tightening/“closing up,” pain during exams, inability to use a tampon). A gynecologist suggested vaginismus but didn’t provide much actionable guidance at the time.

• Therapeutic journaling / self-therapy via writing:

  • She writes “self fanfiction” to understand her relational fantasies and emotional needs (e.g., craving intensity, feeling “breadcrumbed,” and using unequal dynamics as a route to arousal).
  • She uses a reflective, psychoanalyzing approach to connect dating/sex behaviors with self-esteem and attachment patterns.

• Affirmations + self-esteem critique: She mentions doing affirmations and being upset that she still can’t want “normal” things—framing this as a self-worth issue to work on.

• Expressing needs directly (implied goal): In a college poem, she laments that she struggles to express her needs clearly, and she wants relationships/friendships that are not coded as “sex expected.”

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Wellness / Self-Care & Productivity Strategies Mentioned

• Stop or reduce what worsens your mind: If a substance triggers panic, paranoia, or negative thought spirals, stop or cut back.

• Watch for compounding habits: Nighttime use → munchies → heavy snacking → weight gain + increased self-criticism.

• Use writing as emotional regulation: “Therapy yourself” through journaling, poetry, and structured self-reflection.

• Track what reliably helps and what doesn’t: She connects mental clarity and physical health improvements to stopping edibles.

• Validate feelings without letting them drive self-blame: She emphasizes that her distress is real even if she labels herself “a mess.”

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Lists/Methods Mentioned (As Described)

• Her internal “checklist” for arousal (not a formal method, but a pattern she describes):

  • What causes her to get turned on (especially in rare moments)
  • Why it doesn’t happen “normally”
  • How trust/safety with a partner might affect whether she can be penetrated

• Relational self-questioning she uses to analyze her patterns:

  • Identify the fantasy dynamic she’s drawn to
  • Connect it to self-esteem (e.g., “wanting scraps” / breadcrumbing)
  • Compare what she wants emotionally vs. what her fantasies reproduce

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Presenters / Sources

• Presenter: The YouTube creator speaking in the video (name not clearly stated in the subtitles).
• Referenced source/series: Sex Education (Netflix character/story used as an analogy).
• Referenced content:
  • A college creative writing assignment (“writer’s notebook”)
  • A recommended book about asexual/aromantic identity (title not provided)
• Poem mentioned/read: A poem she wrote in college (author is the presenter; poem title not explicitly provided).