"5 Most Common Mistakes of Estranged/Alienated Parents-How to Heal Them" Dr. Joshua Coleman

Summary

Dr. Joshua Coleman discusses six common mistakes estranged or alienated parents may make while trying to reconnect with an adult child. Reconciliation is often slow, may not happen, and can initially feel unequal. His central advice is to focus less on what feels fair and more on communicating in ways that reduce defensiveness, while also protecting your own well-being.

Common Mistakes and Suggested Approaches

• Expecting reconciliation to be fair or equal: Early reconciliation may require parents to listen, show empathy, and respect the adult child’s boundaries without expecting equal time, reassurance, or acknowledgment in return. Coleman recommends trying to understand the child’s reasons for distancing, even when you disagree with them.
• Using guilt or criticism: Avoid emphasizing how heartbroken or ill you are, criticizing the child’s spouse or therapist, or communicating in ways the child may experience as pressure or blame.
• Making defensive apologies: In an amends letter or conversation, acknowledge the child’s perspective and any “kernel of truth” in their complaints without adding justifications such as “I did the best I could.” Coleman suggests keeping those explanations for private reflection rather than using them to qualify an apology.
  • If the reason for no contact is unclear, he describes writing a letter asking the child to explain their perspective and promising to listen without defending yourself.
  • He recommends sending one thoughtful amends letter, then—if there is no response after six to eight weeks—a brief follow-up. He advises against apologizing repeatedly.
• Returning anger with anger: If an interaction becomes heated, pause or leave before responding in anger. Other options include slowing your breathing, counting to ten, taking a time-out, writing down what you want to say, and using “I” statements instead of insults or accusations.
• Expecting quick results: Coleman describes reconciliation as a marathon, not a sprint. A delayed reply, occasional call, or small gesture may be incremental progress, but it does not guarantee full reconciliation.
• Assuming all distance is about you: Adult children may be focused on their own relationships, children, work, and social lives. Limited contact may not always reflect active anger or rejection.

Self-Care and Managing the Emotional Strain

• Write a “My Value as a Parent” list: Record ten things you believe made you a good parent, keep the list somewhere accessible, and revisit it when rejection makes you doubt yourself.
• Seek support elsewhere: Get perspective and affirmation from trusted friends, a religious community, or other people who know and care about you, rather than relying on an estranged child to validate you.
• Practice self-compassion: Acknowledge mistakes without defining yourself entirely by them. Coleman suggests speaking to yourself as you would speak to a loving parent or to your own “inner child.”
• Reduce rumination: Notice when thoughts are stuck in regret about the past or fear about the future, and return your attention to the present through meditation, prayer, or another present-focused activity.
• Allow painful feelings rather than fighting them: Accept and gradually face difficult thoughts and emotions—an approach Coleman connects to exposure therapy and “radical acceptance.”
• Set limits on contact when needed: If an adult child responds to outreach with intense anger, threats, or legal action, it may be useful to stop initiating contact for a period—sometimes a year. Coleman distinguishes this from situations involving minors and presents it as a possible strategy, not a guarantee.

If Contact Resumes

• Expect the relationship to feel awkward or cautious for a while; do not shame yourself for feeling “on eggshells.”
• Match the child’s pace and tone rather than assuming everything is back to normal or pushing for an immediate discussion of the estrangement.
• When appropriate, ask whether you can agree to raise concerns as they arise rather than letting them build up.
• Remember that renewed contact may not mean the underlying causes of estrangement have been resolved.

Presenters and Sources

• Presenter: Dr. Joshua Coleman
• Book cited: When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along
• Approaches and sources mentioned: Cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy; “radical acceptance”; Japanese child-rearing research and surveys (not specifically identified in the subtitles).