"I Wanted to Die" – The Darkest Scene Joshua Broome Ever Filmed as a Porn Star

Summary

The speaker, Joshua Broome, describes a traumatic and self-destructive period during his time working as a porn star and in adjacent adult/sex-work modeling, along with party work. He alleges that he was drugged and raped by a powerful owner/CEO figure associated with a prominent fashion organization at a high-profile event in Paris. Afterward, he says he initially blamed himself—believing the abuse was part of what he “signed up for.”

He then describes spiraling into self-sabotage, including making a detailed plan for suicide using pain medication and pills.

Despite increasing misery, he recounts continuing to work, describing degrading and chaotic shoots (including accounts of people urinating or spitting during filming). Although he eventually earned far more money than he expected—moving from hardship and housing assistance to a more comfortable lifestyle—he says he still felt hopeless, believing, “there’s no way out.”

A turning point comes during a suicide attempt. He uses money received from a porn scene, deposits a check at a bank, and approaches the teller while intending the check to be emotionally tied to his planned suicide—expecting disgust to appear in or on the memo line. Instead, he experiences an unexpected moment of human concern: the teller asks if he’s okay and offers to help, apparently using his real name after 18 months. This prompts him to stop his attempt, contact his mother, and eventually leave Los Angeles, quitting the industry quickly.

Broome presents the bank encounter as a form of intervention (suggesting the “Holy Spirit”), while denying it was a sudden “spiritual awakening.”

He then describes rebuilding his life pragmatically:

• Leveraging a fitness background, including CrossFit involvement, coaching certification, and knowledge from exercise science and strength/conditioning
• Transitioning into coaching and strength training
• Crediting Jason Davidson—a strength and conditioning coach connected to the Carolina Hurricanes and involved with Fort Bragg programming—for helping him enter the right circles and accelerate his career

He emphasizes a strategy of “putting enough good dirt on bad dirt” by doubling down on hard work, credentials, and mentorship to overcome what he once felt was an impossibility: changing his life.

Presenters / Contributors

• Joshua Broome
• Jason Davidson
• Shawn Ryan (mentioned as the show name: “Sean/Shawn Ryan Show,” but no direct participation is evidenced in the subtitles)