why i'm not scared of being perceived anymore // EP 110

Episode highlights / lifestyle mood

• Feels unusually happy and “not scared of being perceived” while filming, even without makeup.
• Loves the vibe of her apartment more after buying a new plant (recently went to a plant shop) and plans to name it.
• Mentions loving the freedom of having “no responsibilities” beyond herself (no pet/plant care).
• Uses a journal (a Phylopax) to capture thoughts and gratitude in the moment.

Daily rhythm / small routines

• Morning
  • Went to bed very late (around 4 a.m.), woke up around 9 a.m.
  • Drilling noise continues in her building (noted as a sound that may be heard in the episode).
  • A planned workflow: writing podcast notes, then managing laundry.
• Laundry
  • Family visit soon → her spare room has been a “dumping ground.”
  • Clears old boxes and does a heavy, scent-laden laundry load because clothes in storage have been sitting for ~6 months (she says they smell awful if left that long).

Books & media (travel-like “where her mind goes”)

• Reading: A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas
  • A slow burn for her—up to chapter 22.
  • Once the pacing “finally heats up,” it made earlier chapters feel worth it.
  • She expects to race through the remaining sections and then read the next books in the series.
• Next planned book after Acotar: East of Eden by John Steinbeck (picked up after a TikTok recommendation).
• Music while writing
  • Listens to Gracie Abrams (“Good Reason”), specifically a live/lounge version from the Bowery, which strongly boosts her mood.

Health / comfort notes

• No formal health routine described, but she mentions:
  • Sweat/heat discomfort from turning off AC while recording (“damp all over”).
  • Foot numbness/awkward filming posture at the end (knees bent, sitting on her feet to be tall enough).

Friendship advice & reflection (major theme)

How friendship drift can happen around age 18 → uni

She reflects on why friendships often change when people finish school and prepare for university:

• Identity shifts and “new personhood” can happen quickly in new contexts.
• A new self can be “fragile” and revert when returning to old environments/people.
• It can be disorienting to feel like you become an older version of yourself again around hometown friends.

Her perspective on what to do when someone goes distant

• If someone isn’t communicating, you’re allowed to decide what to do emotionally.
• It may not be about you:
  • The other person might be overwhelmed, depressed, busy, or simply unable to explain what’s happening.
• Both are possible:
  • Sometimes people don’t come back until later once they have hindsight.
  • Sometimes letting go is part of life’s natural progression (“friends can be seasonal”).

Space vs chasing

• Friendships may need space (sometimes without clear closure).
• Accepting endings is an important life skill.
• She admits she personally struggles with the practical reality of loss/endings.

“Stop fearing being perceived” — key advice framework

• Core idea: perceptions are inherently unreliable.
  • You can’t truly know or predict how another person perceives you.
  • You also can’t perceive yourself completely accurately.
• Personal example:
  • Severe childhood body insecurity, and old camcorder footage showing she didn’t look the way she believed she looked—demonstrating how wrong self-perception can be.
• Practical takeaway (“game plan”):
  • If you fear being perceived in a negative way, ask:
    • “Is that fear rooted in what I’m assuming others will think?”
    • “Why does that specific judgment feel so bad?”
    • “If it were true, what would I do next?”
• Philosophy:
  • Don’t treat perception as concrete fact—treat it as something you can examine and learn from.
  • Fear of perception = fear of “being alive,” because perception will always be unpredictable.
  • You may be both “right” and “wrong” at different times—so don’t let one lens control your life.

Project / home art goals

• Cleaning plan
  • Assistant leaves for errands; she’ll use the downtime to clear her spare room.
• Puzzle plan
  • Has multiple puzzles:
    • A Yoshitomo Nara puzzle (hard; currently mostly green/black pieces).
    • Another birthday puzzle in a “cats in a” style (kept on the floor since she hasn’t finished the Nara one).
  • Goal:
    • Finish the Nara puzzle, glue it, turn it into wall art, and free up storage for the new puzzle.
  • Storage detail:
    • Keeps the active puzzle under her coffee table to protect it.

Notable locations / products / people (as mentioned)

• Locations: plant shop; rooftop; Bowery (venue context for Gracie Abrams live version); apartment (filming setup); visiting family soon (arrival on Saturday).
• Products / items: plant (unnamed); pocket insert (pencil-case style) for her Phylopax journal system; laundry scent products (implied); puzzles including Yoshitomo Nara and a cats puzzle; glue for puzzle art.
• People / speakers:
  • Millie (best friend) and Emma (assistant).
  • Gracie Abrams (music performance).
  • Psychiatrist call (support system discussion).
  • Authors/books mentioned: Sarah J. Maas (A Court of Thorns and Roses), John Steinbeck (East of Eden).