The 2 Words That Kill Your Power as a Leader

Summary

Kelly Hirn argues that leaders can retain influence—even when delivering decisions made above them—by changing how they frame the situation. The central shift is from “I have to” to “I get to.” The facts and workload may stay the same, but a leader’s framing can affect their own engagement and the team’s sense of agency.

The Control Cycle

Hirn describes a four-step cycle:

1. Situation: Observable facts, without blame or interpretation.
2. Decision: The meaning or choice a person adds to those facts. The video focuses on this step.
3. Story
4. Action

Her key distinction is that statements such as “the boss wants overtime, so I have to give up my plans” combine a fact with an interpretation. Reframing it as “I get to decide how I handle this week” is intended to restore a sense of choice and control.

Leadership and Operating Recommendations

• Separate facts from interpretations. For example, “production is behind” and “the team has been asked to work extra hours” are facts; “we have no choice” is a framing.
• Replace “have to” with “get to” when appropriate. Hirn recommends saying the revised phrase aloud and noticing its effect on voice, posture, and the room.
• Explain the business rationale. In the overtime example, the leader explains why production must increase, how customers are affected, and what the team is being asked to achieve.
• Give the team influence over execution. Rather than simply cascading a directive, invite employees to plan how to meet the goal. This can help preserve agency even when the target is set elsewhere.
• Recognize how leadership language spreads. Hirn says a senior leader’s “have to” framing can cascade through managers and employees, contributing to resentment and appearing in engagement-survey comments. Leaders’ own framing can likewise give teams permission to find their own reasons for the work.

Example and Metrics

• Senior leadership requests 10 additional hours per week because production is behind.
• In Hirn’s example, a manager who frames the demand as unavoidable sees staff become resentful toward the manager, company, work, and customers.
• Hirn says she worked five to 10 overtime hours per week in a previous role, but viewed the choice as serving personal goals—saving for a house—and helping customers. She says she worked similar late nights and Saturdays without dreading them in the same way.
• In a proposed Monday huddle, the team’s top producer suggests front-loading work on Monday and Tuesday so employees can leave at 3 p.m. Friday. This illustrates how employees can help shape the plan while pursuing the production goal.
• No production target or measured business outcome is provided. The video uses engagement surveys and team reactions as qualitative indicators.

Source and Presenter

• Presenter: Kelly Hirn
• Book referenced: The Psychology of Winning by Denis Waitley, cited for the concept of “positive self-control” and examples involving a child on a commercial flight, migraine clinics, and NASA.