how to set boundaries & stop people pleasing | stop feeling guilty & be respected *with examples*

Summary

Tam Kaur argues that being considerate is different from people-pleasing. Kindness includes respecting your own needs so you can help others without becoming drained or resentful. Repeatedly ignoring your limits to gain approval can undermine your self-respect and leave others unsure where your boundaries are.

Ways to reduce people-pleasing

• Stop trying to predict what everyone needs. Other people are responsible for communicating their wants, and you are allowed to express your own.
• Practice showing up as yourself, including in activities that matter to you, rather than performing for approval.
• Build self-validation instead of relying on other people’s reactions.
• Notice how often you apologize unnecessarily; the speaker suggests tracking it for a day.
• Choose one priority each week, such as rest, and commit to protecting it.
• Make space for rest when you are tired, and avoid automatically agreeing to favors, plans, or extra work.

Identify the boundaries you need

The speaker describes seven types of boundaries:

• Physical: Personal space and touch.
• Sexual: What you are and aren’t comfortable with; discuss this with a partner.
• Emotional: How others speak to you, including insults or raised voices.
• Spiritual: Values or beliefs you will not compromise to fit in.
• Financial: Limits on spending, saving, and lending.
• Time: How much work, socializing, or helping you can take on.
• Non-negotiable: Limits you will not change, such as refusing peer pressure or sharing passwords.

Questions to help clarify your boundaries:

• What do I most want to protect in my week?
• What situations make me feel pressured?
• What supports my well-being, and what harms it?
• Who am I over-accommodating, and why?
• What am I resentful about, and what might that reveal about where I need a limit?

Communicate boundaries clearly

• Be calm, direct, and respectful.
• State the issue, how it affects you, and what you want to change. For example: “I feel uncomfortable when you comment on my appearance. Please avoid that topic.”
• Keep explanations brief. “No, I can’t do that” can be enough; you do not have to justify or defend every refusal.
• Avoid apologizing for having a reasonable limit or over-explaining to make it acceptable.
• Listen respectfully, but don’t let anticipated disappointment or anger prevent you from speaking up.
• A boundary describes what you will accept and what you will do if it is crossed; it does not force another person to behave differently.

Apply boundaries in different relationships

• Dating relationships: Explain what feels uncomfortable or what you need, then let the other person choose how to respond. The speaker offers examples involving social media, privacy, relationship expectations, and texting during work.
• Friendships: It is okay to limit emotionally draining conversations or “trauma dumping.” Healthy friendships should include mutual respect and communication.
• Family: Parents and relatives also need to respect your limits. You can end or leave conversations involving insults, humiliation, or other disrespect.
• Strangers and colleagues: State preferences plainly—for example, that you do not want hugs—or disengage from rude interactions rather than escalating them.
• With yourself: Write down your goals and the person or lifestyle you want to build, then create limits that help you follow through. The speaker also suggests using rewards, consequences, or automatic systems, such as scheduled savings, to support consistency.

When people disregard your boundaries

• If someone crosses a limit once or twice, remind them clearly and explain that you will not continue accepting the behavior.
• If they repeatedly disregard a clearly communicated boundary, consider distancing yourself or ending the relationship.
• If setting a boundary leads to loneliness, allow yourself time to adjust and continue investing in self-respect and supportive relationships.

The speaker emphasizes that saying no does not make you selfish or unkind. Protecting your capacity can help you support others more honestly when you are genuinely able to do so.

Presenters and sources

• Presenter: Tam Kaur
• Audience input: Questions submitted by viewers through Instagram Stories, which the speaker says helped shape the video.