How to Get Good at Small Talk, and Even Enjoy It

Reframing Small Talk

Matt Abrahams presents small talk as a way to connect, learn, and build relationships—not as a performance or a test. Think of it as a shared effort to keep a conversation going, rather than a tennis match where you must quickly come up with the perfect reply.

Practical Strategies

• Aim to be interested, not interesting. Focus on the other person and the conversation instead of trying to impress them.
• Give yourself time to respond. Pausing can help you choose a more appropriate response. Paraphrase what you heard to show you’re listening, check your understanding, and slow your thinking.
• Invite the other person to continue. If you’re unsure what to say, try “Tell me more” or ask for a detail—with genuine curiosity.
• Treat mistakes as “missed takes,” not failures. Spontaneous conversation is about connection, not perfection. You may simply find another way to phrase something.
• Keep your contributions concise. “Tell me the time, don’t build me the clock”: share the main point rather than narrating every step of your thinking.
• Use a simple structure to organize what you say:
  • What? State the idea or topic.
  • So what? Explain why it matters to the person you’re speaking with.
  • Now what? Suggest a next step or ask what comes next.

Practice this structure in everyday situations so it feels more natural.

• Start with something specific to the setting. A relevant observation or question about your shared environment can spark a more engaging conversation than a routine “How are you?”
• End conversations with a “white flag.” Signal that you’ll be leaving soon, then ask one final question or offer a last comment before wrapping up. This makes the ending feel more considerate and less abrupt.

Presenter and Sources

Matt Abrahams is the presenter. Rachel Greenwald is referenced for advice on conversation goals and endings, along with Abrahams’s mother-in-law and mother for conversational tips.