anorexia nervosa: how can you help? the do's and don'ts *from someone who's been there*

Key wellness / support strategies (do’s)

• Ask what support helps

  • Don’t assume what works for everyone—ask the person what they find helpful.

• Hold hope for them (especially when they can’t)

  • If they can’t see recovery as possible, support their hope through your belief in them.

• Validate that it’s an illness, not a choice

  • Reinforce: anorexia isn’t something they choose; it’s controlling them.

• Gently remind them to eat (and make eating “not negotiable”)

  • Eating is required for survival and healing.
  • Don’t negotiate with the eating-disorder logic (e.g., “eat a bit less to make you feel better” can reinforce the illness).

• Be calm, gentle, and patient

  • Avoid anger or harsh reactions—being upset can increase shame and fuel restriction.
  • Stay beside them emotionally, even if you feel overwhelmed.

• Remind them they deserve help and that eating isn’t “earned”

  • Their right to support doesn’t depend on how “unwell” they appear.
  • They need validation that they’re struggling and still deserve care.

• Avoid linking love to body size or eating behaviors

  • “You’re loved because of who you are,” not how they look or whether they eat.

• Offer practical support during meals

  • If possible: eat with them (not just watch them from across the room), especially early on.

• Praise small victories around eating

  • Acknowledge effort with meals/fear foods—small wins can matter a lot to them.

• Take decision pressure off when needed

  • If they’re overwhelmed choosing/preparing food, offer to step in or support them through it (reduce the burden of “doing it all right”).

• Reframe weight gain

  • Weight gain doesn’t automatically mean they’re mentally “better.”
  • Support is still needed at any weight, and mental recovery matters more than body size.

Key wellness / support strategies (don’ts)

• Don’t focus on bodies or make body-related comments

  • Avoid comments about weight changes (either praise or criticism).
  • Better compliments: hair, eyes, makeup, outfit, etc.

• Don’t guilt-trip or use conditional love

  • Avoid phrases like “Do it for me / if you loved me you’d eat.”
  • Recovery isn’t sustainable if it’s driven by shaming or appeasing others’ distress.

• Don’t pressure with simplistic “just eat” advice

  • Eating can be rooted in anxiety/trauma/low self-worth; it’s not as easy as a logical instruction.
  • Use gentle encouragement and permission-based messaging (“you deserve to eat,” “your body needs fuel”).

• Don’t compare food intake

  • Avoid comments like “I can’t eat that much” or “how are you eating more than me?”
  • Anorexia is often competitive and comparison can intensify distorted perceptions.

• Don’t set expectations about how they “should” look while eating

  • Avoid judgments like eating too fast/too slow or “you struggled less than expected.”
  • People vary—there’s no one “correct” way anorexia presents during meals.

• Avoid discussing diets, calories, “good vs bad” foods, or weight/diet talk

  • Don’t bring diet culture into conversations; it can teach them to associate food with shame.

• Don’t blame yourself for their illness

  • Avoid “I should’ve done more” self-blame.
  • The illness is the illness; self-blame can worsen their supporters’ low self-worth and harm the emotional climate.

Other key takeaways

• Anorexia often coexists with intense food preoccupation

  • The “they hate food” stereotype isn’t accurate; it’s often tied to self-worth and control.

• Hope and support can be protective

  • Recovery is possible, and the speaker emphasizes believing success stories exist.

Presenters / sources

• Presenter: The creator/speaker of the video (not named in the subtitles).
• Organization mentioned (UK): BEAT (Eating Disorders charity).