This is why highly empathic people feel drained all the time | Lisa Damour

Key wellness & self-care strategies (emotion management for highly empathic people)

Stop trying to eliminate feelings

• Feelings are unavoidable: “you don’t get to decide if you have them or not.”
• Trying to get rid of uncomfortable emotions is like doing a constant “workout”—it drains energy and can lead to being overwhelmed.

Reframe emotions as useful information (not threats)

• Emotions provide feedback/data about what’s working and what isn’t.
• “Feeling bad” can be mentally healthy if it fits what’s happening (e.g., getting fired and feeling upset/concerned makes sense).

Build a better relationship with emotions (not emotion control)

Use metaphors to help keep emotions in perspective:

• “Board of directors”: emotions have a seat, but are not the chair.
• “Pond with fish” (mindfulness framing): be the pond—hold feelings at a distance so they’re not in charge.
• “Passenger seat”: emotions can inform the driver, but you steer.

Use “emotion regulation” through two skill categories

1) Express emotions (processing/output)

• Talking about what you feel (e.g., “I feel this,” “This just happened to me”).
• Sharing feelings to reduce isolation and potentially dispel shame.
• Creative/physical outlets: art, music, sports—channel feelings productively.

2) Tame emotions (calming/downshifting)

• Distraction (especially when nothing can be done yet): movies, books, getting absorbed elsewhere.
• Problem-solving (when the situation is actionable): shift from worrying to fixing.
• Comforting/self-soothing: shower, favorite food, hugs, and other calming care.

Watch out for rumination (the “expressing too much” trap)

• When talking/thinking keeps you stuck in an emotional loop, it can worsen how you feel (rumination).
• Best fix: stop the circular processing and switch channels with distraction.

Be mindful with empathy (it can be taxing)

• Empathy is caring, but it can also be emotionally costly to the person doing the empathizing.
• If you’re repeatedly seeking empathy from the same person, make sure demands are fair and not one-sided.

Aim for emotional durability

Over time, practicing management of uncomfortable emotions can lead to:

• More stamina (“durability”)
• Greater empathy for others
• Better decision-making (often bad choices happen when uncomfortable emotions are ignored)

Presenters / sources

• Dr. Lisa Damour — presenter; clinical psychologist, author; co-host of Ask Lisa
• Dr. Terry Tobias — source of the emotions “board” metaphor, as referenced