Learn how to fight and still love one another in this 30 minute "Fight School" with the Gottmans.

Everyday Disagreements and Communication

The Gottmans use humorous arguments about toothpaste, recycling, and travel plans to show how everyday disagreements can reveal communication patterns—and how couples can respond more constructively.

Key Relationship Strategies

• Recognize the “Four Horsemen”—communication habits that can damage a relationship:

  • Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character instead of describing a specific problem.
  • Contempt: Treating a partner as inferior, often through insults or ridicule.
  • Defensiveness: Responding to criticism with excuses, playing the victim, or counterattacking.
  • Stonewalling: Withdrawing or shutting down during conflict.

• Use a softened startup for difficult conversations. Describe the situation, say how you feel, and make a clear request framed around what you do want. Avoid blame and insults. For example, instead of attacking a partner for moving something, explain why it matters and ask them to check with you next time.

• Build “Love Maps” by staying curious. Ask open-ended questions and listen to the answers. Partners change over time, so keep learning about each other’s preferences, experiences, goals, and hopes. The Gottmans suggest asking questions during ordinary moments, such as over a meal or on a date.

• Accept influence and look for common ground. Consider your partner’s suggestions rather than automatically rejecting them. Discuss what appeals to each of you and work toward a compromise. If you feel your ideas are repeatedly dismissed, explain how that affects you and invite a conversation about it.

• Notice emotional flooding and take a break. When an argument feels overwhelming, a rising heart rate and defensiveness can make it difficult to think clearly. Pause the conversation and agree on when to return to it; giving a specific time can help the break feel less like rejection.

• Ask about and support each other’s dreams. Show interest in your partner’s hopes and goals, listen as they explain them, and look for practical ways to help. The video illustrates this with a proposed workshop and research project Julie describes, which John supports.

Presenters and Source

• Presenters: Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman
• Source: The Gottman Institute, gottman.com