Why Knowing Better Doesn’t Help in the Moment

Why Knowing What to Do Isn’t Always Enough

Dr. Tracey Marks explains that when emotions run high, knowing what to do may not be enough to change how you act. In a calm state, people can underestimate how strongly stress or impulse will shape their behavior. This pattern is known as the hot-cold empathy gap.

When upset, the brain may be less able to pause and choose a response, making reflective strategies—such as rethinking a situation—harder to use.

Make an If-Then Plan

Dr. Marks recommends deciding what to do before a difficult moment. An if-then plan pairs a specific cue with a simple action, so the cue can prompt your response without requiring much thought in the heat of the moment.

To create a plan:

• Choose one recurring situation rather than trying to plan for everything.
• Make the “if” cue specific and easy to notice, such as a clenched jaw or starting to type a message late at night.
• Make the “then” action small and physical, such as putting down your phone, leaving the room, or taking one slow breath.
• Repeat or write down the plan so it becomes familiar before you need it.

Struggling to act on what you know doesn’t necessarily mean you lack self-awareness or effort. Planning while calm can help you respond more effectively when emotions rise.

Presenters and Sources Mentioned

• Dr. Tracey Marks — presenter
• Dr. George Loewenstein — associated with the hot-cold empathy gap
• Dr. Peter Gollwitzer and colleagues — researchers on if-then plans