Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist

Key Takeaways

Vanessa Marin’s central message is that a satisfying sex life is built through communication, shared responsibility, pleasure, and intentional connection—not by waiting for desire or intimacy to happen spontaneously.

Communication and Desire

• Talk openly about sex. Rather than hinting or assuming what a partner wants, discuss preferences, concerns, and what helps each of you feel connected. Useful conversation starters include:
  • “How would you describe what great sex feels like?”
  • “What makes sex worth having for you?”
  • “Are you open to being intimate later?”
• Understand different patterns of desire. Marin describes:
  • Spontaneous desire: Mental interest in sex appears first.
  • Responsive desire: Desire may emerge after physical stimulation or intimacy begins. Someone with responsive desire may not be thinking about sex beforehand, without necessarily having “low” desire.
  • When both partners have responsive desire, neither may initiate; planning can help.
• Use “open to” rather than expecting immediate desire. A partner may not feel in the mood when intimacy is initiated. Instead of treating that as a failure, consider whether they are open to creating space for intimacy or seeing whether desire develops.

Making Time and Building Connection

• Make room for intimacy before you’re exhausted. Many couples leave sex until bedtime, when they are tired or distracted. Consider finding a time earlier in the evening—or another time of day—that works better.
• Plan for intimacy without treating it as unromantic. Scheduling or making plans can show that time together matters. Couples can look at the week ahead, choose a time, and share the responsibility for initiating.
• Create a transition ritual. A brief shared activity, such as cooking dinner together, can help create a break between work and time together. Reestablishing everyday rituals may also support connection.
• Separate touch from an expectation of sex. If a partner’s casual touch causes tension or withdrawal—what Marin calls the “bristle response”—practice more nonsexual touch. Partners can also agree to use direct words when initiating, so a hug or caress does not automatically feel like a prelude to sex.
• Share the responsibility for intimacy. Both partners can take turns initiating and identifying what helps them feel cared for. Be specific—for example, a longer massage, a bath, or a particular kind of affection—instead of expecting a partner to guess.
• Try small daily connection practices. Marin recommends:
  • Expressing gratitude or appreciation.
  • Sharing a six-second kiss or a 20–30-second hug.
  • Making eye contact.
• Make intimacy playful and low-pressure. Marin and her husband built a nightly make-out ritual, initially agreeing that it would not lead to sex. The point was to enjoy kissing and connection on their own.

Pleasure, Safety, and Trust

• Prioritize pleasure for both partners. Marin emphasizes that sex should be enjoyable, not something to pursue because of an assumed obligation. She particularly stresses the importance of clitoral stimulation for many women and says partners should discuss what feels good rather than assume penetration alone will be pleasurable.
• Treat pleasure as something you deserve. Marin encourages people who feel undeserving or uncomfortable with pleasure to explore where those beliefs came from and whether they want to keep holding them.
• Approach past trauma with care. Marin says past sexual trauma can affect a person’s sense of safety in the present. She recommends discussing this with a trusted partner, checking in during intimacy, stopping if someone seems to freeze or disconnect, and considering individual therapy. She also suggests making both a trigger list (what to avoid) and a safe or joy list (what helps a person feel comfortable and connected).
• Avoid undermining trust. Marin says she would not fake an orgasm, mock a partner for initiating, or interpret a partner’s performance difficulties as a personal rejection.
• Acknowledge dry spells kindly. Couples may find it helpful to name what is happening, reassure each other that they still care, and make a plan to reconnect. Marin does not give a universal definition of a dry spell; in her experience, three to six months may feel like a dry period for many people.

Marin also shares an example of choosing intimacy over a to-do list and then feeling more connected and coordinated afterward. This is presented as her experience, not a guaranteed result.

Presenters and Sources

• Mel Robbins — Host of the Mel Robbins Podcast.
• Vanessa Marin — Licensed psychotherapist and sex therapist; author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life and co-host of Pillow Talks with her husband, Xander.
• Chris Robbins — Mel’s husband, who contributes recorded questions.
• Additional resource: Vanessa Marin’s free guide for survivors of sexual abuse and their partners, available at VMtherapy.com/free.