I've Coached 1000s in Pain. 'I'm Sorry' Isn't What They Need

Key wellness / healing strategies discussed (Theo Von interview with UFC fighter Shawn)

• Start with a safe, attuned place to talk

  • A critical first step for healing trauma is finding a space where you feel safe enough to be heard and emotionally attuned to while you speak.
  • Healing progresses after this; without safety, other processing is harder.

• Safety ≠ “It’ll be okay”

  • True safety isn’t reassurance that invalidates the experience.
  • It’s whether the other person can stay present with you in the experience, without running away, trying to “fix” you immediately, or making you feel small.

• Nonjudgmental presence over “sorry” or making it about weakness

  • “I’m sorry” can land as weakness or invalidation/shame to trauma survivors.
  • Better support is steady, strength-based presence, such as:
    • “I’ve got you.”
    • “I’m right here.”
  • Often, silence + companionship is most helpful.

• Trauma processing often requires both

  • Talking about it
  • Deeply feeling the hurt/pain
  • Then also processing “secondary” pains (e.g., caregivers/teachers not seeing you).

• Watch for emotional “speed bumps”

  • A common trauma pattern is rushing past feelings because expressing them once felt unsafe.
  • For true processing, the missing piece is often being able to feel what was blocked.

• Body-based protective responses are meaningful data

  • Protective body language (covering head, turning away, leg up, guarded posture) signals ongoing nervous-system defense.
  • The goal is not to force openness, but to recognize where the body is still protecting itself.

• Anxiety is sometimes the “thing that cracks” during processing

  • The interview highlights how re-accessing the anxiety lived with as a child can be especially impactful.
  • This anxiety is framed as the part that still needs processing.

• Enduring/self-reliance can be both strength and a barrier

  • One coping strategy described: “You can’t hurt me” (endurance and total self-reliance).
  • Benefits:
    • survival, independence, endurance
  • Drawbacks:
    • difficulty asking for help
    • difficulty expressing vulnerability/hurt
    • potential to recreate unsafe dynamics later

• Traumatic cycles can repeat as victimhood or aggression

  • Two common trajectories discussed:
    • “I can endure—nothing can touch me” (self-reliant endurance)
    • Recreating victimhood (repeatedly choosing/entering abusive situations)
  • When trauma is not resolved, anger/violence urges can emerge as a response to pain.

• Channeling aggression into structured outlets

  • UFC training is presented as a way to metabolize intense energy and practice self-regulation/tools for processing.
  • Structure, training, and skill-building are framed as supportive.

• Avoid self-labeling as “bad” for having traumatic reactions

  • Harsh self-judgment (“I’m bad/broken”) can worsen processing by adding shame.
  • The path through is allowing feelings to be fully felt so the impulse loop can loosen.

• Relearning self-trust

  • Closing takeaway: believing you’re “bad” undermines trust in yourself—a major obstacle to healing.

Presenters / sources

• Theo Von — podcast host / interview presenter
• Shawn — UFC fighter; interviewee