This social signal kills charisma faster than anything else | Vanessa Van Edwards

Summary

Vanessa Van Edwards argues that charisma and connection are shaped by the signals people send—often before they speak. A first impression begins as soon as someone sees you, and the first few seconds can make the rest of an interaction easier or more difficult.

The foundations of presence

Van Edwards frames presence around two qualities:

• Warmth: Whether someone seems trustworthy, likable, and open.
• Competence: Whether someone seems capable, effective, and reliable.

The key is perceived warmth and competence. Someone may genuinely be trustworthy and skilled, but others need to be able to read those qualities in their behavior. The goal is not to fake confidence, but to make your outward signals align with your intentions.

How social cues work

Cues are social signals sent through four channels:

1. Words: What you say.
2. Nonverbal behavior: Facial expressions, posture, gestures, and body language.
3. Voice: Volume, pace, and vocal tone.
4. Ornaments: Clothing, jewelry, surroundings, and objects you display.

Positive cues encourage connection and engagement; negative cues can suggest disinterest, discomfort, or anxiety. Van Edwards describes a cycle: people decode others’ cues, internalize what those cues seem to mean, and then encode their own signals in response. For example, a signal of rejection may make someone feel unsafe and respond with nervousness.

She also cautions against treating the claim that 93% of communication is nonverbal as a universal rule. The study associated with Albert Mehrabian was overgeneralized and has not been reliably repeated. Still, nonverbal behavior matters, especially when people judge whether words seem authentic.

Practical cues for stronger first impressions

• Notice your habitual cues (“punctuators”). These are expressions or gestures you use repeatedly, such as widening your eyes when curious. Review a recording of yourself with the sound off to spot your usual facial expressions, hand movements, and body language.
• Choose a comfortable greeting. A handshake, high five, hug, or cheek kiss may help create connection, depending on personal comfort, cultural norms, and whether the gesture is reciprocated. Van Edwards links touch to the release of oxytocin.
• Use a “happy hello.” Say hello while exhaling rather than holding your breath. This can help your voice sound more relaxed and natural.
• Keep your hands visible. A brief “palm flash”—showing your open hands when greeting people—can signal openness. Avoid hiding your hands in your pockets or behind objects, especially at the start of an interaction.
• Use natural eye contact. In Western cultures, Van Edwards suggests aiming for eye contact roughly 60–70% of the time, rather than staring continuously. Look at the other person when making or hearing an important point.
• Face the person speaking. Angle your torso, head, and feet toward them as a sign of attention and respect.
• Avoid blocking. Crossing your arms or holding objects in front of your torso can make you seem less open. Keeping your torso and arms unblocked can signal openness and may also help you feel less closed off.
• Label negative cues and emotions. If someone’s expression or behavior triggers fear or anger, identifying the emotion—such as saying “anger” or “fear”—may help reduce the emotional reaction rather than letting it take over.
• Let authenticity guide your choices. These techniques are not about creating a perfect impression. Warmth can include vulnerability; it is okay to acknowledge feeling nervous. If a cue still feels unnatural after several attempts, Van Edwards advises not forcing it.

A gradual practice plan

Van Edwards recommends building these behaviors progressively, beginning in lower-pressure situations:

1. Start on the phone: Practice a relaxed, exhaled greeting.
2. Move to video: Add eye contact with the camera and keep your hands visible.
3. Practice in person with trusted people: Try greetings, handshakes or hugs, and facing the person who is speaking.
4. Repeat cues until they feel natural: Initial awkwardness is like retraining muscle memory. Positive reactions from others can help the behaviors become more comfortable.

The overall aim is to send deliberate signals that help others feel at ease and able to connect—not to perform a flawless persona.

Speakers and sources featured

• Vanessa Van Edwards — Presenter and main speaker.
• Dr. Susan Fiske — Referenced for research on warmth and competence in social judgments.
• Dr. Matthew Lieberman — Referenced for research on emotion, the amygdala, and labeling feelings.
• Albert Mehrabian’s study — Discussed as a frequently overgeneralized claim about nonverbal communication.
• Big Think — Named in the closing channel-support message; no separate speaker is identified.