How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb | TED

Key Idea

Lori Gottlieb argues that the stories people tell themselves shape how they experience their lives. These stories are often incomplete—not necessarily deliberately false—and can keep people stuck when they leave out relevant perspectives or possibilities. Revising a personal narrative can create room for change.

Strategies for Revising Your Story

• Notice your current story. Identify a narrative about a situation, another person, or yourself that may not be helping you.
• Question what’s missing. Consider what you emphasize, minimize, leave out, or may be unwilling to see.
• Take responsibility for your part. Feeling trapped can obscure the choices available. Change begins when you acknowledge your role in the story.
• Offer compassion with honesty. Rather than simply agreeing with someone’s version, gently point out patterns or details they may have omitted. Apply the same approach to yourself.
• Try another point of view. Imagine how another person involved might describe the same situation. A wider perspective can make others more understandable and reveal new possibilities.
• Be mindful of narrowed perspectives. Gottlieb says depression, loneliness, hurt, and rejection can distort how people interpret events.
• Accept that change can involve loss. Even a difficult, familiar situation may feel safer than the uncertainty of a new chapter.
• Choose your next chapter. Instead of treating yourself as a victim of a fixed story, decide which narratives to keep and which to revise. Gottlieb says therapists can help people clarify choices, but cannot make those choices for them.

People and Sources Mentioned

• Lori Gottlieb — Speaker and Dear Therapist advice columnist
• Jerome Bruner — Psychologist