Válásterápia 3. rész: Veszteségek - a válást kezdeményező szemszöge

Summary

The episode explores the losses experienced by the person who initiates a divorce. Wanting a divorce does not mean feeling no grief. The initiator may lose their former sense of identity, their imagined future as a couple or family, and—later—everyday routines, shared surroundings, time with their children, friendships, or connections with their former spouse’s family.

For the initiator, grief often begins well before the divorce is announced. An early thought of separation may be dismissed at first, then return more often as relationship problems become harder to ignore. The person may try to repair the relationship, seek individual or couples therapy, or eventually recognize the limits of what they can change. Acceptance can bring more calm, but it does not prevent later losses or remove the need to adjust to a new life.

The speaker emphasizes that divorce-related grief should not be minimized, even when the decision is mutual or initiated by one partner. Processing a loss means acknowledging it as part of one’s life story while gradually regaining a sense of wholeness and balance.

Strategies and Reflections

• Talk about the loss rather than keeping it secret. Being heard—and learning that others experience similar stages—can make grief easier to process.
• Consider professional support. Individual help can clarify whether there are resources to improve the relationship and what changes feel possible.
• Check your motivation if you try to repair the relationship. The effort should reflect a genuine wish to rebuild a loving, harmonious partnership. The changes should also feel worthwhile to you, rather than being made only to please your partner.
• Recognize your limits. Ask whether you have tried what you realistically can and whether further efforts could bring meaningful change.
• Identify sources of support and security. Think about whom you can turn to and how you would manage difficult situations after the divorce.
• Allow for different grief timelines. The initiating partner may have considered divorce for years, while the other partner is only beginning to process the possibility.
• Be patient with the practical process where possible. Rushing decisions may harm future cooperation. Calm discussions can help with agreements, parenting, conversations with children, and moving arrangements.
• Do not expect acceptance to erase grief. Even after accepting the decision, the initiator may grieve practical and family changes and need time to find a new balance.

Presenter and Source

Zsuzsa Bogár is a crisis counselor, psychologist, couple and family therapist, and author of Divorce Therapy.