How to Have Lesbian Sex (no really) with Stevie Boebi

Main ideas, concepts, and lessons

• Purpose of the episode / scope

  • The hosts explicitly discuss sex, including:
    • what lesbian sex is
    • “what lesbians actually do in bed”
  • The conversation also covers:
    • disability and queerness
    • expressing needs in relationships
    • aftercare
    • sensory issues with sex

• Reframing “sex” beyond PIV

  • Sex is defined broadly as any genital stimulation.
  • Examples explicitly included:
    • phone sex
    • masturbation (“fucking yourself”)
    • (by implication) a wide range of oral and digital acts

• How people commonly experience lesbian sex (WLW / vulva-focused)

  • A key “entry point” act is fingering/digital penetration, framed as both:
    • common
    • often desired
  • Cunnilingus (oral sex) is described as a major next category.
  • The discussion notes that strap-ons are less common than many people assume in everyday behavior.

• Sex education should be concrete, not joke-based

  • The conversation critiques online “lesbian sex” jokes and overly reductive depictions.
  • The emphasized need: step-by-step, technique-and-preference-based education, not just eroticized stereotypes.

• Technique vs. sensation (a methodology for safer, more pleasurable practice)

  • A recurring lesson: don’t get trapped in “performing” technique.
  • Instead, prioritize:
    • how the technique feels to the giver
    • how it feels to the receiver
    • frequent check-ins to stay aligned with arousal and comfort

• Specific fingering technique concepts

  • “Come hither”
    • insert comfortably
    • move fingers toward yourself (“come toward me”)
    • framed as aiming stimulation toward the G-spot area (described as opposite the clit)
  • “Corkscrew”
    • insertion with a twisting motion
    • described as increasing friction at/around the vaginal opening
    • important nuance: some people don’t like friction there due to sensitivity, so preference can vary
    • anatomy matters (e.g., urethra location, labia size affecting indirect clitoral stimulation)

• Oral sex and STI risk framing

  • Oral sex is described as riskier due to fluid exchange.
  • Introduced concept:
    • “Fluid bonding” = swapping fluids (examples mentioned: spit, tears)
    • described as increasing STI/STD risk
  • A reason offered for prevalence patterns: oral may be done less often than fingering because of perceived risk.

• Oral sex and orgasm-related technique ideas

  • Mentions a study of women’s orgasm descriptions (not solely about oral sex) used to build an oral-sex-focused video.
  • Edging is highlighted as a technique some people need:
    • bring someone close
    • pause/withdraw slightly
    • return repeatedly
    • framed as intensifying pleasure and able to involve kink dynamics
  • A memorable “tip” mentioned:
    • starting with a wide, flat tongue from bottom to top
    • compared to eating an ice cream cone (analogy emphasized)

• Preference patterns: giving vs. receiving

  • Survey-based takeaways discussed:
    • “More people want to give than receive” across sex acts (as interpreted by the speakers)
  • Noted partner preferences:
    • fingering: stronger desire to receive than give (for some groups)
    • oral and straps: preferences vary by act and identity, with some receiver bias noted for oral
  • Mentioned pattern: people may report “switch” while still having strong preferences.

• Switch/top/bottom terminology (identity vs. action)

  • Important distinctions:
    • identity = who someone is sexually
    • action/behavior = what someone is willing to do with a partner
  • Examples:
    • someone can be a “bottom” identity but still “go bottom” in specific situations
    • people can be “bottomy top / toppy bottom” (adjectival mix)
  • Caveat:
    • these terms come from kink communities and may get “misused” when applied in vanilla contexts
    • kink context can further muddy definitions

• Disability + queerness intersection

  • Stevie discusses coming out as disabled and how it affected content and comfort:
    • genetic condition (Ehlers-Danlos syndrome mentioned)
    • lengthy period of misdiagnosis/undiagnosis
    • created a viral hashtag: “Doctors are dickheads”
  • Content themes:
    • humor (“If disabled people spoke like able people”)
    • critique of ableism

• Language about disability

  • Key principle: disabled people are not a monolith; preferences vary.
  • Examples:
    • autistic community: many prefer “autistic” (identity framing) rather than “person with autism” (trait framing)
    • other disabilities may be framed differently (e.g., “has lupus” / “has chronic illness”)
  • Notes on evolving terminology:
    • “handicapped” described as a slur in the UK (and a slower-shifting term in other places)
    • language can change over time, even within someone’s lifetime

• Communication of needs in relationships (disability-focused advice)

  • Advice for disabled people dating (especially with abled partners):
    • “Exaggerate everything from the beginning” as a screening method
      • state limits and likely disruptions early (e.g., expected cancellations, brain not working, etc.)
      • observe whether the partner stays supportive
      • if they fail the test, block/exit to avoid wasted time
  • Framed as rejecting “honeymoon phase” deception:
    • reveal realities early rather than waiting.

• Aftercare without touch

  • Aftercare doesn’t require physical touch; it can include:
    • verbal support
    • holding emotional space
    • speaking and checking in
    • reassurance and comfort through conversation

• Sensory issues during sex: practical strategies

  • If lube feels unpleasant (e.g., “sticky”):
    • find alternative lube options
    • communicate sensitivities ahead of time
  • Communication plans include:
    • partner should understand what triggers discomfort
    • agree on what the disabled/sensory-sensitive person needs in the moment:
      • breaks
      • stopping
      • changing positions
      • silence or distraction
      • snacks
  • Rights framing:
    • it’s acceptable to stop, change, or disengage if uncomfortable.
  • Internalized ableism concern:
    • don’t assume sensory preferences/discomfort mean you’ll never find love.

• Sex education lesson: why abstinence-only backfires

  • Stevie’s big message:
    • abstinence-only education is harmful
    • not teaching sex increases earlier/unsafe behavior
    • teaching sex makes kids more informed, often delays initiation, and improves safety.

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Methodology / instruction lists (detailed bullet points)

A) Technique-first vs sensation-first (approach to fingering)

• Remember technique is not the point by itself
  • Don’t focus exclusively on “doing technique X for Y minutes.”
• Focus on sensations
  • Check how the act feels to the giver’s hand.
  • Check how it feels to the receiver.
• Use check-ins
  • Ask/observe responses frequently (“Is this good? Do you want more/less? Continue/stop?”).
• Avoid dissociation from overperformance
  • Technique timers can cause you to mentally detach; return attention to embodied sensation.

B) “Come hither” fingering (described concept)

• Insert fingers comfortably (one or more fingers)
• Move fingers toward yourself
  • described as creating “come hither” stimulation
• Aim for G-spot area
  • described location: opposite of where the clit would be (as explained in the episode)

C) “Corkscrew” fingering (described concept)

• Insert with a twisting motion
• Increase friction intentionally
  • described as heightening friction around/near the vaginal opening
• Match technique to sensitivity
  • if the vaginal opening is sensitive to friction, corkscrew may be less suitable
• Account for anatomy differences
  • urethra distance relative to vaginal opening
  • labia size affecting indirect clitoral stimulation

D) Communicating needs in disability/sexual contexts (practical steps)

• Before sex
  • tell a partner about sensory triggers (e.g., sticky textures, needing silence, needing breaks)
  • outline what to do if you need to pause or stop
• During sex
  • take breaks or stop without guilt
  • change positions as needed
  • use agreed options (silence, distraction, snacks)
• After sex
  • use aftercare that doesn’t rely on touch (see next list)

E) Aftercare without touch (practical options)

• Use the voice
  • talk to the partner
  • verbal reassurance and comfort
• Hold space emotionally
  • listen to thoughts/feelings
  • provide emotional check-in
• Treat inaction as a contribution
  • not touching can itself be a supportive action

F) Relationship safety screening advice (dating as a disabled person)

• Exaggerate your reality early
  • communicate likely challenges from the start (cancellations, variable cognition/energy)
• Watch partner response
  • if they react with support/understanding → continue
  • if they react badly (“lying phase” style rejection) → exit and block
• Avoid “honeymoon phase” deception
  • reveal needs early rather than hoping the partner will change later.

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Speakers / sources featured (identified)

• Alayna Joy — host (described as a master’s counseling psychology student/creator)
• Stevie Boebi — guest (queer sex educator, disabled lesbian content creator)
• Danae Fender — producer
• Corey Mosquito — editor
• Autostraddle — cited for a survey “in 2018” about WLW sex acts by top/switch/bottom categories
• “The OMGS study” / OMGS — cited as research on women’s orgasm descriptions used for oral-sex content ideas
• Sleeping Around / Patreon platform — referenced for extended cuts (not a research source)
• Patreon: patreon.com/ALAYNA Joy — referenced for bonus content
• Social platforms for Stevie — YouTube, TikTok, Instagram (places to find her content)