3 steps to getting what you want in a negotiation | The Way We Work, a TED series

Negotiation as Coordination, Not Conflict

The video argues that negotiation doesn’t have to be adversarial (“tough,” power moves, winners and losers). Instead, it should be approached like coordinated movement—more like a dance—aimed at building and maintaining a relationship where both sides can give and take.

Why Negotiations Fail

People negotiate constantly at work (pay, promotions, vacations, autonomy, and resources needed to do the job). However, negotiations often go wrong when people enter with a fighting mindset.

The core goal is not domination. It’s crafting a productive relationship, which requires preparation.

Three Preparation Steps

1. Do Research and Set a Realistic, Strategic Goal

• Clarify what you want and what you’d walk away from.

• For salary: Avoid using past pay as your reference. Instead, research market ranges (industry reports, websites, and professional contacts) to understand the lowest/average/highest figures, and anchor your request near the upper end when justified.

• For less clear demands (e.g., working from home):

  • Study company policies and why they were created.
  • Consult mentors for hidden implications.
  • Map which tasks can be remote vs. which require in-person interaction to strengthen your credibility and increase the chance of a “yes.”
• Strong preparation signals effort and helps build respect.

2. Prepare Mentally to Manage Emotions

Negotiations can trigger fear, anxiety, anger, or hurt. The speaker recommends:

• Defensive pessimism: assume obstacles may arise and mentally rehearse how you’ll overcome them.
• Emotional distancing: don’t treat the outcome as a verdict on your identity or worth. A denial can happen without meaning personal failure.
• If emotions rise, it’s acceptable to pause (“press pause” and continue later) to regain perspective.

3. Understand the Other Person’s Perspective

• Anticipate their needs, pressures, risks, and whether they have the authority to grant your request.
• Consider the “ripple effects” that a “yes” would create for them and others.
• Pair assertiveness with concern for their interests—using rationale framed around shared benefit (e.g., “I’m asking because it helps my team; it supports X and Y goals”).
• Many negotiation failures come from misunderstanding rather than disagreement—so listen carefully, ask “why” and “why not,” and look for win-win options.

Presenter / Source Notes

• No specific presenter names were provided in the subtitles (only referenced: “The Way We Work,” a TED series).