Psychotherapeut: Auf diese Dinge solltest du bei der Partnerwahl achten – Wolfgang Krüger

Key wellness / relationship strategies & self-care takeaways

1) Change yourself to change the relationship

• If you grow personally (e.g., value friendships more, be more active, do sports, become braver/independent), the dynamics in the partnership change.
• Don’t try to force fundamental change in your partner; focus on your own development first.
• Result: fewer escalations and “unpleasant conversations,” because change happens through your own steadier inner life.

2) Choose more wisely (and prepare intentionally)

• Review your relationship history: look for recurring patterns and what you tend to repeat.
• Take your time early instead of rushing into “automatic patterns.”
• Use a wish list (10 desired qualities) to guide matching—paired with both:
  • intuition/gut feeling
  • mind/head (being selective)
• Prioritize basics like:
  • commitment/desire for a real relationship
  • ease of conversation
  • emotional/mental stability and reliability (especially around mood)
  • compatibility in deeper values over appearance/pure chemistry

3) Use a “trial period” and ask deeper questions early

• Structure an early phase to genuinely get to know each other (communication, questions, phone calls/meetings).
• Good early questions go beyond small talk, such as:
  • what fills their life / what they like to do
  • past relationship history (how it unfolded)
  • relationship with their mother
  • key beautiful and difficult moments in life
  • playful prompts that reveal character (e.g., favorite romance movie)
• The aim: understand what you’re actually building before intimacy becomes a fast shortcut.

4) Build love through distance, recognition, and self-care

Love is described as an active process maintained through behaviors:

• Distance (healthy independence)
  • Keep your own life, especially friendships and activities, so longing can exist.
• Recognition (“lubricant of love”)
  • Actively notice what’s good; appreciation should be authentic, not manipulative.
• Self-care / self-presence early in love
  • Treat yourself well (appearance, how you show up, creating small successes).

Over time, passion may calm—this can be good because it allows space for friendships and a more relaxed intimacy.

5) Communication: tone/mood matters more than “talking”

• Talking can become overrated if it’s half-hearted or repetitive.
• The nonverbal mood and how you stand in life may matter more than the exact words.
• Key idea: improving your own life and mood can “pull” the other person along more effectively than constant verbal pressure.

6) Don’t keep trying to “fix the partner” after dissatisfaction

• A common mistake: after a while, dissatisfaction leads to thinking “my partner needs to change.”
• Small, targeted adjustments can work (e.g., how they handle something practical).
• Fundamental change attempts often fail—because they require who you both are to shift.

7) Improve your attachment capacity (especially if you struggle with closeness)

• Love/falling in love can feel risky if childhood taught danger or disappointment.
• Therapeutic or personal tools mentioned:
  • courage to commit (with realistic expectations)
  • reduce over-dependence: maintain support via friendships and work life
  • in therapy, the healing factor is the relationship with the therapist that feels safe and accepting
  • work through fear: “take your time” and build inner security

8) Friendship as a foundation for partnership wellness

• Strong friendships increase emotional balance and reduce pressure on the romantic partner.
• Developing real friendships takes repeated attempts (the guest described needing many “tries” before closeness forms).
• Ingredients for friendship growth:
  • self-respect (knowing you have something to offer)
  • interest in other people
  • openness to approaching
  • being in contexts that naturally increase contact (groups, shared settings)

9) Compatibility: look for mutual care, not just chemistry

• A relationship can be workable if there is continued:
  • affection/care
  • a desire to support the other person’s wellbeing
• Compatibility often shows up through shared values and similar life preferences/biography patterns (but similarities can also recreate harmful patterns).
• Avoid repeating destructive childhood “constellations” in adulthood.
  • Ideally, have experience of being liked/loved for who you are, not only for achievement.

10) Handle negativity and “ambivalence” (adult love includes both sides)

• A key adult capacity is ambivalence: tolerating that a partner has both strengths and flaws.
• If you can’t tolerate ambiguity, focus can flip toward seeing only negative traits.
• Inner strength and perseverance help you stay in the full spectrum rather than abandoning the relationship at the first emotional downturn.

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Presenters / sources

• Presenter / guest expert: Wolfgang Krüger (couples therapist, mentioned as working with couples for 40+ years)
• Host / interviewer: Lukas Klaschinski
• Source mentioned in discussion: research on satisfaction & happiness (no specific study named)
• Person referenced: Sigmund Freud