How to Figure Out What You Really Want | Ashley Stahl | TEDxLeidenUniversity

The incident: fear hijacking the mind and decisions

Ashley Stahl recounts a traumatic “fake kidnapping” phone call to illustrate how easily people (and even their loved ones) can be thrown into fear—and how that same fear can hijack our real lives and goals. She then turns the story into a framework for identifying what someone truly wants and reclaiming personal power.

• Stahl describes a kidnapping call to her father in Los Angeles while she is at work conducting a podcast interview in Beverly Hills.
• Her father is threatened into compliance (including demands to go to the bank and wire ransom money) while her mother calls 911 and tries to coordinate police response.
• Stahl discovers police text messages meant for her (“This is the police. I’m with your family. Please call.”). The police then warn her father that it’s a scam, and the family realizes the threat is not real.
• Despite the scare ending safely, Stahl emphasizes the lasting impact: her father is intensely traumatized and shocked, and she later reflects on how he—an intelligent, capable man—was so quickly duped.
• She interprets her father’s reaction as a universal fear response: when terror removes time for thinking, people give away their power because they believe “there isn’t another option.”

Compassion and reframing fear-driven behavior

After the night, Stahl feels not only anger at the scammers, but compassion—questioning why someone would choose a “career” based on frightening others.

Her explanation: fear and limited options often shape people’s choices, and similar survival logic can apply to “regular life,” where people kidnap themselves from what they truly want because they think another path is unsafe or impractical.

“Self-kidnapping”: the core metaphor

Stahl argues that many people imprison themselves from their desired life by:

• choosing careers/majors or relationships they don’t actually want,
• suppressing the truth to survive financially or socially,
• and treating fear as “realism” rather than a threat response.

She states her central journal prompt:

“I’m my own kidnapper.”

Her key questions for the audience:

• Where am I kidnapping myself from the life that I really want?
• How am I giving away my power and entering fear just to meet my needs?

The practical solution: a “you-turn” (3 steps)

Stahl presents a method to reclaim oneself and move toward what one truly wants:

1. Do a self audit

   • Identify where you’re holding yourself captive.
   • Use truth-seeking reflection, especially the question: “What do you know that you wish you didn’t know?”
   • She describes how “pain” can be a “trampoline” that launches someone into change rather than something to avoid.

2. Follow your freedom

   • Notice what feels good as a compass toward authentic direction.
   • She criticizes motivational slogans like “follow your passion” as often too shallow and unrealistic.
   • She encourages body-based listening (gut/nerve feedback) and presents her own career story as evidence: feelings of “rightness” in a new role preceded later success and authorship.
   • She recommends a “joy journal”: for 30 days, record moments that light you up, then look for patterns—especially what skills you’re using when you’re most inspired.

3. Engage

   • Take action despite fear and the discomfort of uncertainty.
   • Stahl argues clarity comes from engagement, not overthinking.
   • She frames perfectionism as a mask for fear of failure, stating that action enables feedback and course correction.

Closing takeaway

Stahl concludes that freedom and change are available to everyone: by doing a self audit, following bodily/joy signals, and taking action—people can make a “you-turn” toward their authentic truth.

Presenters or contributors

• Ashley Stahl (speaker; TEDxLeidenUniversity)
• Transcriber: Marina Aalten
• Reviewer: Tanya Cushman