Signs The Person You Are Dealing with Is NOT An Avoidant

Key wellness / relationship insights from the video

The speaker (a therapist) explains that people often mislabel others as “avoidant” based on relationship behavior alone. Instead, the core of avoidant attachment is described as how someone feels and treats themselves, and how they act in their environment—not just how they treat their partner.

Signs the person may be not avoidant

The therapist suggests that if your partner doesn’t show at least one of the following avoidant-leaning patterns, they may not be avoidant (though context always matters).

Attachment-related “clues” (checklist)

Relationship with money

• Often uncomfortable spending and uncomfortable receiving money
• Female avoidants (as described) may reject or push back on receiving money early on, which can feel like “disrespectful” or implying they can’t handle themselves
• Often focused on work/achievements; money can feel like a tangible measure of success

Caregiver history

• Typically had one or more caregivers with high expectations
  • This may align more with dismissive avoidant patterns
• If there is no primary caregiver and there’s significant instability/neglect (e.g., foster care, abuse, neglect), the speaker suggests this is more consistent with fearful avoidant
• If caregivers are neglectful or inconsistently present (as described), that may align more with anxious attachment
• More secure upbringing is framed as having one or more quite secure caregivers (often “two parents” as an example)

Overachieving tendencies

The speaker describes differences between fearful vs dismissive avoidants:

• Fearful avoidants: may have inward big goals but outward performance can suffer (guilt, self-doubt, job-hopping, feeling “never enough”)
• Dismissive avoidants: more likely to be targeted or hyperfocused on skills and pick careers aligned with those strengths

Both types may maintain goals they struggle to release; the “how” differs.

Communication style when triggered

• Often blunt and detached
• More matter-of-fact and less emotionally expressive
• Facial/emotional expression may be muted
• More common (in their framing) with male avoidants
• They may later regret what was said—or not remember saying it while triggered

Rigid expectations (self and others)

• Expectations may be unnoticed as rigid
• Can create friction in relationships or jobs (e.g., expecting people at certain times, routines like eating at set times)

High life structure (often unnoticed by the person)

• Their life may be structured in a consistent pattern without realizing it
• They may leave little “room for others,” which can push partners away
• Structure may become visible mainly during healing or attachment work

Productivity / self-care angle (implicit)

• Don’t rely on a single tactic or label The therapist emphasizes that if you keep using “avoidant strategies” with someone who isn’t avoidant, they may not work—and different approaches may be needed.

• Use professional humility View the therapist’s guidance as not absolute (“take everything with a grain of salt”).

Presenter(s) / source(s)

• Practicing therapist and doctoral student of psychology (name not provided in the subtitles; speaking as “I”)