Why Gay Men NEVER Feel Good Enough

Summary

Tom Bruett argues that outward confidence, career success, fitness, sex, and social-media attention may not resolve low self-esteem when a person’s sense of worth depends on external approval. He notes that gay men can face added pressures, including limited queer role models, stigma, and perfectionism within the community.

Seven traps that can undermine self-worth

• Self-deprecation: Repeatedly joking about perceived flaws can reinforce negative thoughts. Try finding humor that doesn’t come at your own expense.
• Seeking approval: Likes, appearance, income, or professional success may offer a brief lift, but that feeling can fade. Look for ways to build self-worth that don’t depend on others’ reactions.
• Comparison: Social media shows curated highlights, not ordinary life. Instead of measuring yourself against others, ask what their lives seem to represent—and whether you can bring more of those values or interests into your own life.
• Self-denial: Hiding interests or parts of yourself to gain acceptance can mean giving up what matters to you. Reconnect with activities you loved, including playful or creative interests from childhood.
• Punishing your body: Extreme dieting, overexercising, or working to exhaustion for approval can harm your health. Pursue meaningful goals while respecting your body’s limits.
• Staying in unhealthy relationships: External validation can make it hard to leave a relationship involving criticism or disrespect. Bruett suggests working on self-love, including through therapy or coaching, and making room for relationships where you are valued and respected.
• “I’ll love myself when…”: Putting self-respect off until you lose weight or reach a goal can create an endless cycle. Look for ways to treat yourself with respect now.

A three-step process

1. Awareness: Notice when you’re seeking external approval and consider whether the pattern is helping you.
2. Gratitude: Identify something you appreciate about yourself, such as a personal quality, an action, or something you did.
3. Acceptance: Accept that self-esteem develops over time and that you can value yourself while you’re still growing.

Bruett encourages taking small steps, seeking support from friends or a therapist when feeling low, and remembering that you don’t have to face these struggles alone. He cites a CDC statistic in the video: roughly 34% of gay adults reportedly experienced depression in the past year, compared with about 15% of men overall.

Presenters and sources

• Tom Bruett, sex and relationship therapist
• CDC (statistics cited by Bruett)