Parent, step parent and step child triangular relationships

Key themes in step-triangle relationships (husband/wife + biological child + stepchild)

Core problem: “insider vs outsider” loyalty

• The biological parent often feels a built-in duty to “protect” their child.
• The step-parent can be treated implicitly as “not part of the family” (“not blood”), which creates:
  • competitiveness
  • tension about whose rules and influence “count”
  • the child learning where they can “go” to get what they want

How the child responds (common patterns)

• The stepchild may:
  • withdraw emotionally (regress, become “more babyish,” disappear)
  • or act out (test the parents, get caught in the parents’ conflict)
• The child can end up as the arena where the adults compete for authority, loyalty, and attention.

Two common harmful dynamics

• Authority-vs-friendship (“winning love” by spoiling)

  • The new/step parent tries to become a peer instead of an authority figure.
  • They spoil the child to gain affection.
  • This can create tension with the biological parent because the step-parent is trying to build a bond instead of strengthening the marriage bond.

• Avoiding parenting (“handing over authority”)

  • If the biological parent becomes overwhelmed, they may step back from parenting responsibilities.
  • The step-parent may respond by trying to prove competence and be “the best step-parent ever.”
  • Result: family structure becomes skewed—marital unity weakens and parent-child bonds deteriorate.
  • The child may feel:
    • less loved and wanted
    • angry
    • insecure
  • The marriage itself can start to fall apart because the relationship becomes centered on the stepchild dynamic rather than the couple.

Prevention strategy: set agreements before marriage

Dr. Raymond emphasizes that step-family triangles require careful planning before the marriage, including clear relationship agreements between the couple.

• Have an agreement between:
  • the biological parent
  • the new/step parent
• Clarify:
  • how the marriage will be organized
  • what each partner’s role is with the child
  • boundaries for “what’s okay” and “what isn’t”
  • how the marital bond stays the top priority
  • how the child can feel safe with both adults
• Avoid:
  • dissing/disparaging the other biological parent (if contact exists or not—children can still be affected by loyalty dynamics)

Recommended support: counseling (premarital + ongoing family therapy)

• Premarital counseling for the couple before blending families.
• Family therapy for the whole system to address:
  • fears about how roles will change
  • who will “let go” of control
  • who will set limits/rules
  • what to do when the child withdraws or acts out
• Dr. Raymond also highlights that individual therapy can matter, especially if a child has no safe place to talk.

Example case (illustrative)

A family she worked with showed how the triangle can collapse:

• Mother and daughter bond was disrupted when the stepfather became controlling and possessive.
• The biological mother, due to insecurity/fear of abandonment, allowed the stepfather to dominate.
• The child experienced:
  • feeling unwanted/unloved
  • loyalty contests/punishment dynamics
  • emotional abandonment and insecurity
• The harm persisted into adulthood and appeared strongly in therapy later (when the daughter later sought help and wanted to become a mother).

Presenters / Sources

• Dr. Jeannette Raymond (psychologist, psychotherapist, relationship expert)