Would You Marry You? 6 Brutal Truths for Marriage & Dating | Parshat Chayei Sarah

Summary

The speaker presents Parashat Chayei Sarah as a guide to dating, marriage, and family life. The story of Eliezer finding Rivka at a well raises two questions: What made Rivka’s kindness exceptional, and why do several biblical couples meet at wells? The talk answers these questions through six practical lessons.

Six lessons for dating and marriage

1. Parents should help, but the decision belongs to the person getting married. Parents are encouraged to take an active role by asking around, making connections, and supporting their children’s search. But even when a match seems ideal, the final choice must be made by the people who will live in the marriage.

2. Prioritize character over status or surface qualities. Drawing on the Ran’s distinction between beliefs and middot (character traits), the speaker argues that beliefs and ideas may be open to discussion, while deeply ingrained ways of treating people are harder to change. A good spouse need not be rich, famous, or exceptionally clever; kindness, humility, compassion, and consideration matter more to everyday married life.

An anecdote about Rabbi Yitzhak Yaakov Weiss illustrates this priority. Despite being disappointed by a proposed match’s appearance, he chose not to reject or embarrass the woman. He later credited his kindness to her with the birth of his only child.

1. Kindness should be delivered with sensitivity and wisdom. Rivka’s exceptional quality was not simply that she gave Eliezer water and tended to his camels, but that she handled the situation thoughtfully. Through the Beis HaLevi’s interpretation, the speaker explains that Rivka found a way to help without making Eliezer feel uncomfortable about her handling the water he had drunk from.

The broader lesson is to consider how help feels to the recipient, not just whether help was given. A gift, favor, or act of charity should preserve the other person’s dignity.

1. Notice and affirm the good your children bring to the home. Sarah’s Shabbat candles are presented as a symbol of the light children bring into family life. The speaker suggests focusing on each child’s positive qualities—even when parenting is difficult—rather than seeing only the frustrations. Recognizing a child’s value helps strengthen family connection.

2. Let family celebrations include other people. Challah, and the practice of setting some aside, represents generosity beyond one’s own household. The speaker encourages people to share their joy and resources—for example, by including an orphan in a bar mitzvah celebration or helping another family with a wedding. The principle is to make room for others in one’s simcha (joyous occasion), rather than treating it as exclusively one’s own.

3. Treat family purity as a framework for both intimacy and respect. The speaker presents taharat hamishpacha as a practice that structures a couple’s relationship through periods of physical intimacy and abstention. In his explanation, marriage involves being both lovers and friends: times of closeness deepen physical connection, while times when physical contact is restricted can emphasize respect, emotional connection, and the value of one’s spouse.

Why the well matters

The speaker recounts a metaphor from his father about the recurring well scenes in the stories of the patriarchs and Moses. A river represents giving, while a reservoir that only collects rain represents receiving. A well draws water from below and also gathers rain from above.

Likewise, a healthy marriage requires both giving and receiving; it should not be based only on one partner’s giving or the other’s taking.

The talk’s central message is that a strong marriage depends on thoughtful character, mutual care, respect, and a willingness to build a home that gives light to family members and makes room for others.

Speakers and sources featured

• Main speaker: Rav Elyada Goldwicht, presenting the talk.
• Biblical and rabbinic sources discussed: Parashat Chayei Sarah; Rashi; the Ran; the Beis HaLevi; the Siftei Chachamim; Rabbi Moshe Feinstein; the Rambam; and the Gemara.
• Other figures and sources referenced: Rabbeinu Bachya; Rabbi Yitzhak Yaakov Weiss, author of Minḥat Yitzḥak; Rav Pinchas Zimetbaum; and the speaker’s father, whose well metaphor is recounted.
• Anecdotal figures mentioned: Joe Lieberman, George W. Bush, Al Gore, and the speaker’s sister, Elimur Weissman. These appear in stories or examples; they are not additional speakers in the video.