We Asked Divorce Lawyer 19 Tough Questions | Honesty Box

Overview

Divorce lawyer James Ston answers questions in an “Honesty Box” format, combining practical legal guidance with personal, relationship-focused commentary.

Cheating, breakdown, and the “real cause” of divorce

• Ston argues that the underlying cause of divorce is “disconnection”: a slow drift where couples gradually separate emotionally until something happens “all at once” (e.g., infidelity or financial wrongdoing) and the relationship ends.
• He describes common reactions to cheating:
  • Men often focus on whether the affair involved sex with them (“Did you … him?”).
  • Women often focus on the emotional meaning (“Do you love her?”).
• How often divorce is caused by cheating:
  • He frames direct causation as difficult to measure (the “chicken or egg” problem).
  • He cites cheating as involved in roughly 75–80% of divorces, while noting it may be a symptom as much as a cause.
  • He also notes some people use an affair as a “soft place to land” before they feel ready to leave.

Prenups: purpose, relationship impact, and “crazy” clauses

• A prenup (prenuptual agreement) is described as a written contract—especially about finances—that sets expectations for how the relationship’s rules work if it ends.
• Why prenups can help:
  • Because divorce is common (he cites a 56% U.S. divorce rate), couples should create a rule set while they’re getting along.
• “Do prenups ruin relationships?”
  • He says the conversation is difficult because prenups can be interpreted as signaling distrust, but he compares it to a seatbelt—protective rather than pessimistic.
• “Overly extreme” clauses he’s seen:
  • A clause where for every 10 pounds gained, a spouse forfeits $10,000/month of alimony.
  • Clauses about sex frequency and even rules like not growing a beard/goatee, with financial penalties.
• Enforceability:
  • He argues many “fun” or punitive infidelity/sex clauses are mostly unenforceable.
  • What matters legally is what can be proven in court, not just what’s written.

Divorce process, cost, and the role of conflict

• He says the first two questions are how long and how much, but a lawyer can’t answer honestly at the start because divorce is like a table with four legs: you, your lawyer, your spouse, their lawyer.
  • If one party is unreasonable, divorce can collapse into uglier litigation.
• Costs depend heavily on what’s disputed:
  • Disputes over small assets (e.g., a few thousand dollars) can be irrational compared with legal fees.
  • Disputes over children can become difficult to value and can spiral if people fight over details.

Alimony: fairness arguments and rationale

Alimony (spousal support/maintenance) is presented as having goals such as:

• Rehabilitating a lower-earning spouse’s ability to earn again after the marriage ends.
• Addressing diminished lifetime earning capacity, especially when careers are interrupted for caregiving (he compares it to starting the race after others have already run).

He emphasizes that alimony can be fair or unfair depending on the facts, and he describes two opposing courtroom arguments:

• The recipient side: their earning capacity was harmed and they need support.
• The paying side: their assets were dissipated and the recipient lived lavishly without contributing, making continuing payments unjust.

Who files for divorce and men vs. women

• Ston states that about 70% of divorces are filed by women, but argues the statistic is often misused:
  • In many cases, the woman files because the other spouse has effectively abandoned the relationship and she needs the divorce court system for temporary support, mortgage payments, and preventing foreclosure.
• On cheating:
  • He reiterates men cheat more.
  • He also claims women “cheat better,” implying women may be more effective at hiding affairs.

Child of divorce and co-parenting as the key factor

• He argues that being a child of divorce does not inherently “mess you up.”
• The bigger issue is exposure to parental conflict over time.
• He recommends separating roles:
  • Ex-spouses should become co-parents, not continue an antagonistic spouse relationship.
• He uses a sharp metaphor: divorce can become a “knife fight in a closet” where children are trapped in the dark consequences of adult hatred.

Soulmates, weddings, and love

• Soulmates:
  • He strongly rejects the soulmate concept as unrealistic and potentially toxic, arguing it fuels comparison and dissatisfaction (the “horizon that recedes”).
• Weddings:
  • He says weddings are often about more than just the bride—they can represent the family/tribe.
  • He connects weddings to memory, including a personal story about his mother and how wedding photos preserve her for him.
• Love:
  • He emphasizes love as central and precious—describing it as the foundation of human connection and worth.

Notable closing segment

• The subtitles include an apparent comedic/graphic aside about “inbalming” involving a hose and “poo water,” which does not clearly connect to the legal/relationship discussion.

Presenters or contributors

• James Ston — Divorce lawyer in New York City