Low Self-Esteem: Signs You Have It, How You Get It, How to Increase It

Key Signs and Contributors of Low Self-Esteem

Common signs

• Self-judgment and blame: Criticizing yourself and blaming yourself for things.
• People-pleasing / overcompensating: Going above and beyond to make others happy.
• Self-consciousness and rumination: Second-guessing yourself.
• Difficulty asserting needs: Struggling to speak up for what you want or need.
• Negative focus: Paying lots of attention to your weaknesses.

Why it develops (not “born this way”)

Low self-esteem can be shaped by experiences such as:

• Harsh punishment, abuse, or neglect
• Lack of warmth/nurturing from caretakers
• Insufficient praise, validation, or encouragement
• Unreasonable expectations (feeling like a “disappointment”)
• Not fitting in with peers (especially during teen years)
• Later damage from emotionally abusive relationships, which can reinforce negative beliefs

How Low Self-Esteem Gets Maintained (The Cycle)

1) Core negative beliefs

Core beliefs drive your choices (even if you never say them out loud), such as:

• “I’m not good enough”
• “I’m not important, I’m unacceptable”
• “I’m defective, I’m unlovable”

2) Safety behaviors that protect those beliefs

These beliefs are often protected or avoided through safety behaviors, for example:

• People-pleasing to avoid criticism
• Perfectionism to avoid getting it wrong or failing
• Not speaking up or expressing opinions to avoid rejection
• Avoiding attempts/ambition to reduce risk

3) Harsh self-talk when safety rules are broken

If you break a safety rule and something goes wrong, you may trigger harsh self-talk like:

• “See? I can’t do anything right.”
• “I’m an idiot—what was I thinking?”

4) Reinforcement of the original beliefs

This reinforces the original core beliefs and keeps low self-esteem going.

Wellness / Self-Improvement Strategies to Increase Self-Esteem (4-Step Approach)

1. Identify your core beliefs Look at patterns in behavior and avoidance to infer what you truly believe about yourself.

2. Identify your safety behaviors Notice the strategies you use to avoid feeling negative emotions or exposing yourself to judgment.

3. Face your fears by dropping safety behaviors

   • Gradually break the rules you follow to avoid rejection or failure.
   • Test negative predictions (e.g., speak up with an opposing view and observe what actually happens).
   • Learn that disagreement ≠ rejection.

4. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion

   • After taking a risk, respond to yourself with praise and understanding.
   • Remind yourself: You’re not responsible for other people’s reactions.
   • If someone lashes out at disagreement, it reflects their ability to handle conflict—not proof you’re “bad.”

Additional Tip

If you struggle with a harsh inner critic, the speaker suggests:

• Watching related videos on silencing your inner critic.

Presenters / Sources

• Dr. Tracey Marks (psychiatrist) — mental health education video content summarized.