"Who gonna be the boys?!" The Ladies Long for Patriarchy

Overview

Khadija Mbowe examines the tension between identifying as a feminist and wanting traditional forms of masculine chivalry, such as men leading, planning dates, providing, protecting, or opening doors. She argues that these preferences can reinforce patriarchal expectations, even when someone opposes patriarchy more broadly. Personal relationships are not entirely separate from the systems they reflect, though people can hold contradictory views and want different things in different contexts.

Mbowe understands why some women may want a “benevolent patriarch”: a traditionally masculine partner who takes the lead but acts with kindness and care. She questions whether this ideal is compatible with feminism and warns that defining “real men” through conventional gender roles can shame men who do not fit them. She also connects these expectations to attitudes about men’s appearance and behavior, and to stigma toward bisexual men. While everyone has the right to choose whom they date, she encourages people to reflect on the assumptions behind those choices.

Dating and Reciprocity

Mbowe criticizes what she sees as a lack of effort and reciprocity in dating. Chivalry, she argues, need not mean rigid gender roles; it can involve thoughtful gestures, clear communication, planning, cooking, and sharing care. She urges men to develop practical and relational skills, while also encouraging women not to expect courtship and devotion without making an effort themselves.

Ultimately, many women may want personal kindness and romance rather than a patriarchal system. But conventional ideas about masculinity can blur the distinction, leaving both men and women frustrated.

Presenter

Khadija Mbowe