How to Raise Children on Deen & Dunya | EPIC Masjid | Hina Khan Mukhtar

Summary

Hina Khan Mukhtar explains that raising children with deen (religion) and dunya (worldly life) does not mean treating them as equal priorities: faith comes first, while children can also pursue education, careers, and community success. She says her advice grew out of interviews with families and children whose religious commitment and worldly achievements impressed her. The resulting article was published in 2010 and later shared on SeekersGuidance.

She presents ten lessons gathered from those families, while emphasizing that they are observations—not a guaranteed formula. Parents can guide and support their children, but outcomes ultimately rest with Allah.

The Ten Lessons

1. Make dua central. The families consistently credited their children’s good qualities to Allah rather than to their own methods. Mukhtar encourages parents to ask for guidance when making decisions, pray when needs arise, and express gratitude for blessings. Children also learn from seeing how their parents turn to Allah in these moments.

2. Choose a supportive environment. A child’s friends, the parents’ social circle, and the wider community all influence their direction. Raising children in isolation is difficult, so families should seek a community with compatible values and people who care about their children. Mukhtar also highlights the potential benefits of healthy relationships with grandparents and elders, as well as trusted mentors—particularly as children enter adolescence.

3. Make the Prophet Muhammad a familiar, living example. Children should encounter the Prophet not only as a historical figure, but through stories, everyday guidance, and family routines. Parents can teach age-appropriate examples from his life, share simple hadiths, use everyday duas, and make learning about him warm and approachable. The aim is to help children know and love him, and to connect that love with their relationship with Allah.

4. Make home life enjoyable while keeping it within family values. Mukhtar cautions against making religion feel like a constant list of prohibitions. When saying no to an activity, parents can offer appealing alternatives—for example, replacing Halloween activities with a family autumn festival or celebrating a child’s religious milestones. She also recommends moderation with entertainment rather than making restrictions the whole focus, and stresses that children should not be left alone with unrestricted internet access. She describes the internet as something requiring close supervision, clear rules, and safety education.

5. Model what you teach. Children watch how parents behave, including how they pray, handle frustration, give charity, and speak about religious obligations. Parents’ actions can teach more powerfully than lectures. Mukhtar also suggests making the purpose behind good actions visible to children, so they understand the values motivating them.

6. Set clear expectations without becoming harsh. Parents can be warm and friendly without trying to be their children’s peers. Children need clear expectations, consistency, and guidance—for example, being told when it is time to develop a regular prayer habit. Mukhtar contrasts three approaches:

   • Authoritarian parenting: rigid control and “my way or nothing.”
   • Permissive parenting: repeated warnings without follow-through.
   • Authoritative parenting: clear limits, accountability, and a respectful relationship.

She says most of the families she interviewed did not use physical punishment. She also relays one parent’s view that a light spanking might sometimes be used for a child’s safety, while stressing that punishment should never be administered in anger.

1. Keep children close and appropriately supervised. The families had varied approaches to education—public, private, Islamic school, homeschooling, or unschooling—so Mukhtar is not prescribing one choice. She reports that the families generally arranged for children to be cared for by people who shared their values, and that parents remained responsible for raising them. Many also avoided sleepovers or found supervised alternatives, such as hosting friends at home.

2. Avoid spoiling children or overemphasizing praise. Mukhtar recommends paying attention to how praise may affect a child’s character and ego. Instead of focusing mainly on appearance or public recognition, adults can praise qualities such as kindness, patience, generosity, and consideration for others.

3. Speak with love and teach children how to think. Parents’ words can stay with children long after they leave home, so guidance should be gentle rather than harsh or insulting. Ordinary moments can become lessons: Mukhtar describes changing the lyrics of a children’s rain song to express gratitude for rain. She also encourages parents to discuss books, films, songs, and other media with their children—asking what message they convey and whether it aligns with their values—rather than relying only on bans.

4. Ensure fathers are actively involved in religious and family life. The families she interviewed described fathers who were not only religious, but also present and engaged in their children’s upbringing. Mukhtar argues that children need to see fathers practicing their faith while also building close relationships with them. Shared activities, conversations, and consistent involvement can make a father’s guidance more meaningful.

Closing Message

Mukhtar stresses that even conscientious parenting cannot guarantee a particular outcome. Parents should provide religious teaching, good examples, loving support, and opportunities for their children to learn, while continuing to make dua and trusting Allah’s timing. She closes with a Quranic supplication asking Allah to make her and her descendants steadfast in prayer and to forgive the believers.

Speakers and Sources Featured

• Hina Khan Mukhtar — the speaker; shares her own experiences and findings from interviews.
• Families and children interviewed by Mukhtar — mostly unnamed; their experiences form the basis of the ten lessons.
• Mukhtar’s family and community members — including her mother, brother, husband, children, and friends, whose examples she recounts.
• Shaykh Faraz Rabbani — described as having asked to publish Mukhtar’s article on SeekersGuidance.
• Imam Shakar — cited for advice to teach young children the Prophet’s biography and nasheeds.
• Imam Zed — cited for recommending limited, measured exposure to television.
• Dr. Leonard Sax — author of The Collapse of Parenting, Boys Adrift, Girls on the Edge, and Gender Matters.
• Dr. Gabor Maté — co-author of Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers.
• Vern Bengtson — researcher cited for a long-term study of religion across Christian and Jewish families, published as Families and Faith: How Religion Is Passed Down Through the Generations.
• Imam Haddad — mentioned in connection with a collection of hadith describing the Prophet, referred to in the talk as A Life of Perfection: Shamail Rasul Allah.