Someone Talks Down to You? Don't Defend Yourself. Say This.

Core Advice

When someone speaks condescendingly, avoid defending yourself. Calmly ask what they mean, request specifics, and pause. This encourages them to clarify their implication instead of turning the exchange into an argument about your competence.

Suggested Responses and Strategies

• General response: “Are you saying I might be missing something? If so, what exactly?”
• “Did you even read this?” Ask: “Are you saying you think I missed something? If so, which part?”
• “Let me explain this slowly.” Ask: “Are you saying you need more time to figure out how to explain this? If so, take your time.”
• “That’s cute.” Say: “I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Could you clarify?”
• When it happens in front of a team: Avoid arguing over who said what. Instead, point out the effect on the group—for example, that people may stop asking questions when someone is spoken to that way.
• When the tone is rude but the point may be valid: Ask whether they’re saying you do it differently, and invite them to explain the relevant process or expectation.
• When someone pushes the implication further: Repeat the implied accusation as a deliberately exaggerated question, such as: “Are you saying I’m trying to sabotage this project?” Then stop and let them respond. Keep the exchange focused on work.

Throughout, stay composed, ask for clarification rather than making excuses, and don’t make your self-worth depend on the other person’s approval. The aim is to maintain self-respect while giving the other person a chance to reconsider how they’re communicating.

The speaker also encourages viewers to share examples of condescending remarks and possible replies in the comments.

Presenter and Source

Speaker on Wizard of Words | What to Say at Work; not named in the subtitles.