Divorce Lawyer: Why Oral Sex & Granola Cause Divorce

Overview

This video is a discussion with divorce lawyer James Ston about why marriages fail and what helps them stay strong. It frames divorce outcomes as the result of long “micro” disconnections rather than a single dramatic event, drawing on both legal experience and relationship psychology.

Main arguments & key points

• Divorce tends to come from gradual disconnection, not one big cause. Ston’s core message is that marriages break down through accumulated small failures of care, attention, and intimacy—often described as “thousand little moments.” What later looks like a sudden “big betrayal” can, from the inside, be the endpoint of a long decline.

• Small acts of love maintain connection. A recurring theme is that loving behavior is communicated through consistent, low-effort gestures. One story describes a woman whose ex replaced her favorite Whole Foods granola whenever it ran low—an example of noticing and serving a partner’s happiness. When that kind of attention stopped, emotional distance grew. Ston contrasts this with an early-dating example: she said she would regularly give her boyfriend oral sex (“blowjobs”) because it required little effort and made him feel loved and seen. The point: intimacy and affection often come through small, repeatable acts that demonstrate priorities.

• A “reverse the spiral” approach can help relationships. Instead of endlessly debating who caused the breakup, Ston encourages couples to start acting kinder and more attentive immediately. Repairing the pattern may be more effective than re-litigating its origin.

• Relationship research and legal realities complement each other. The host connects the discussion to John Gottman’s research, which predicts divorce with high accuracy. Gottman’s predictors include patterns such as “bids for connection” and destructive interaction cycles. Ston adds the legal dimension: in court, outcomes often depend on what can be proven, even when couples share the same facts but interpret their emotional meaning very differently.

• Honesty and communication about emotional reality are key. Ston emphasizes:

  • being honest with yourself about what you feel and want,
  • sharing that honestly with your partner,
  • and recognizing that the same events can produce different emotional experiences for each person.

• Weddings are discussed as both symbolism and a potential source of distortion. Ston explores why “expensive weddings” correlate with higher divorce rates in studies. He attributes the risk primarily to performative weddings driven by social pressure—including a “wedding industrial complex” and competitive/Instagram-style spending—rather than to intentional meaning. He also defends weddings as a potentially beautiful symbol: a public “we found our person,” like a “punctuation mark” in life.

• Women initiate most divorces (the “69%” statistic), but the reasons are debated. The video presents competing interpretations, including:

  • A “manosphere” view, which frames divorce as women “cashing out” legal protections.
  • A more nuanced view, where legal outcomes reflect bargaining power and incentives tied to caregiving and child custody realities. Ston argues men leave more often, but women are more likely to file because they may be managing immediate practical needs (housing, childcare, support). He rejects simplistic claims that “courts protect only women,” noting that both genders can have valid arguments and that custody realities and caregiving roles strongly influence outcomes.

• Common complaint patterns differ by gender (as observed in divorce practice). Ston reports patterns such as:

  • men often describing sexual neglect and reduced kindness/respect,
  • women often describing feelings like the man has lack of gratitude, disrespect, and failure to value his partner’s spending/effort. He cautions that these patterns are not absolute.

• Divorce disputes often become “about respect,” not the object. He shares a high-stakes settlement story nearly derailing over a toaster oven (Amazon-bought, $48). His takeaway: these disputes are rarely really about the toaster—they’re usually about resentment, dignity, and “winning/losing,” with small triggers turning into “final straws.”

• Remarriage after divorce: 86% within five years (presented as a striking pattern). Ston argues many people remarry quickly not out of irrationality, but because human beings strongly want connection, stability, and hope—sometimes described as “faith over reason.” He also suggests people often don’t “postgame” (reflect on their own contribution), so patterns repeat.

• Second and later marriages have higher failure rates. The video highlights reported rates:

  • first marriages: ~40–50% catastrophic failure
  • second marriages: ~60–67%
  • third marriages: ~73–74% (and higher for later marriages) The implication is that people may carry unresolved trust issues and the same “unexamined life” habits into the next relationship.

• At the end, the solution is distilled to “honesty.” Across the “five clues” discussed, Ston’s conclusion is that marriages thrive when both partners are:

  • honest with themselves,
  • honest with each other,
  • and willing to handle vulnerability and difficult truths without turning conversations into a courtroom contest.

Presenters / contributors

• Matthew Thompson — host
• James Ston — guest; divorce lawyer